Kristen Wiig Would Like to Give You a Heads-Up About Her Bowel Irregularity

By Lindy West | October 17, 2012 | 12:35am

Celebrities Dirt Bag

I don’t totally understand this story, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still want to marry it. During her speech at Elle‘s Women in Hollywood dinner last night, Kristen Wiig took a moment to fill everyone in on the status of her troublingly reticent dumps.

“I do want to say something from the heart, something actually kind of serious and truthful,” she said after Judd Apatow introduced her. “I have not pooped in four days-four days!”

“I’ve been travelling,” Wiig continued. “I’m nervous. I’m getting concerned. I’m wearing a tight dress.”

I’m sorry, does Jamie Lee Curtis not count as a Woman in Hollywood anymore!? Will Wiig’s suffering know no end? Fetch the yogurt-cannons! Where is Officer Curtis of the Hollywood Dump Police??? [E!]

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Today in life-affirming adorableness, Dame Judi Dench speaks about finding love in one’s elder years. After the death of her husband in 2001…

…she was concerned she was going to be lonely until she met David Mills.

Adding that being on her own made her appreciate the good company of wildlife conservationist David, 69.

“When you’ve been widowed a long time it’s very, very nice to have the company of somebody,” says Dame Judi, 77.

“It doesn’t have to be a great, passionate sexual affair but it’s nice to have someone who says: ‘I’ll find your keys for you,’ or, ‘Let’s go to the theatre tonight.’ Very nice.”

Sniff. [Express]

Hulk Hogan‘s former best friend Bubba the Love Sponge claims that it may have been Hulk himself who leaked his now-infamous sex tape to the world—blessing us all with indelible images of Hogan’s erotic Slim-Jim (wrong wrestler, but WHATEVER—art thou pedantic!?). On his radio program today, Mr. The Love Sponge “called Hulk a ‘self-centered’ man who has delusionally convinced himself that Nick was innocent in that 2007 car crash, Brooke actually has talent and that Linda is ‘whore.'” Ooooooooooo! HULK LITIGATE. [TMZ]

Well, this headline is certainly…something: “Kate Gosselin Fired From Job as CouponCabin Blogger.”

Yep, the 37-year-old single mom got the ax from her job as a contributing blogger at CouponCabin. Company CEO Scott Kluth announced Tuesday that “a series of recent events have made it clear” that the former reality star and her contributions “do not align with the authenticity that we set out to build almost a decade ago.”

“Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin,” he added.

What actually happened was that Gosselin contracted CouponCabin Fever and attempted to bludgeon Ryder Strong. [E!]

Amanda Seyfried took a “Big Apple Beauty Break!” which apparently means walking on the street with your hair in a bun. [JustJared]
Emma Watson prefers dating American boys, even though she’s constantly forced to look at their disgusting flagrant toes. [Express]
Ricky Gervais blames E!’s fashion police for getting bumped from his Golden Globes hosting gig. But, he adds, “Let me know if you run out of Scientology gags.” [E!]
Sure, why not. Let’s just combine all the things into one thing. “Hugh Jackman Does ‘Gangnam Style’ Dance as Wolverine.” Sure. [E!]
It’s official, preppie. Ageless golem Mario Lopez will be Khloe Kardashian‘s X-Factor co-host. [E!]
Stars with bangs. [E!]
Here’s Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson being adorable and posing with fans. [Crushable]
Justin Bieber visited a cancer-stricken fan and wore the worst vest ever. [E!]
Angelina Jolie says her kids want to build a statue of Malala Yousafzai, the 14-year-old Taliban shooting victim. Angelina herself is kind of “meh” about the whole thing. (JOKE.) [E![
Apparently, in the upcoming James Bond movie Skyfall, Javier Bardem and Daniel Craig share a homoerotic scene that involves Bardem “caressing” Craig’s torso and thank you I will be subscribing to this scene’s newsletter. [HuffPo]
IMPORTANT. IM. POR. TANT. [Tumblr]