Kim Kardashian's Getting Divorced So She Can Be With Reggie Bush's Penis

The Kim Kardashian divorce saga has taken a turn for the telenovela best, with sources claiming she divorced Kris so she could resume sexy times with Reggie Bush. Having standards that somehow still allowed him to date her in the first place, the football player and his persuasive penis told her over lunch two days before she filed for divorce that he wouldn't jump back in the sack with her unless she ended things with her husband. "Reggie told her that he would not do anything with her unless she was single. She had to get an official divorce before he would ever even consider having a physical relationship with Kim." Though the story was broken by Media Take Out and should therefore be taken with a handful of salt, we're going to take the unsubstantiated gossip and run with it: ¡Kim es sucia! [Media Take Out]
Kris Jenner has come forward and done what all good demonic stage mothers should do and defended her daughter — and the Kardashian Empire ™ — against the onslaught of ugly, vicious truths. [E!]
And, nope, this is never going to go away, with Kris jumping on the morning chat circuit to discuss her daughter's divorce – starting with Today, today. [Hollywood Reporter]
She also took a break from summoning evil spirits to do her bidding by saying that Dancing With The Stars is "one of the best things to ever happen" to Rob. Which is most likely her bank account's pet name. [E!]
Grab the smelling salts! The guy who used to help stage photo-ops for Kim says "she has a mass craving for attention." [Radar]
It wasn't just Reggie's persuasive penis that's to blame for the split, Kris's parents were also part of the puzzle due to their extreme Kim hate. [TMZ]
The couple whose wedding was disrupted by Kim and Kris's production have lasted longer than 72 days. [TMZ]
The Chippendales have offered Kris a gig that would redeem him in everyone's eyes. [TMZ]

Though it's much more fun to assume it's true until someone gives him an SVU-style cheek swab to prove otherwise (sorry Selena!), Justin Bieber's camp are trying to burst our bubble by calling bull on allegations the 17-year-old knocked up Mariah Yeater, who has filed a paternity lawsuit against the star. "While we haven't yet seen the lawsuit, it's sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory, and demonstrably false claims," say the killjoys. We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations." [US]
The please-god-let-it-be-true baby momma tells the judge: "When I later realized I was pregnant with Justin Bieber's baby, I tried to contact him through his representatives but no one ever called me back." [Radar]

Hugh Grant joins the Benicio Del Toro club after revealing he fathered a child with a woman he wishes he hadn't. Complete with a delightfully offensive public statement. "I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl," says his rep, Carrie Gordon. "He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms." So romantical! [People]

Serena Williams lived out her very own Jodie Foster fantasy when she ran to the panic room of her LA mansion last week after seeing an "intruder" on her security cameras. Turns out it was a random drug tester from some tennis association who was stopping by her place to try and get some surprise urine. First, panic rooms are awesome. Secondly, was this person climbing through a window, sample cup, in hand or were they at the front door? Shady, Serena, very shady. [TMZ]

Reigning drag queen of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump has a song coming out – and it's actually pretty good. If you can get through the five minute and 12 second Ryan Seacrest babble to listen to it that is. [Huff Po]

When Alec Baldwin visited Occupy Wall Street, critics noted that he appears in ads for Capital One. He's now told those folks to suck it — sorta — because he donated $250K to the East Hampton Library's children's wing. Alec tweeted, "All of the proceeds of my Cap 1 ads are given to support the arts and culture." So there. [East Hampton Patch, Twitter]

• Snitches say Lindsay Lohan is ready for the possible 30-day sentence she'll receive at court today. [Radar]
• With Lindsay looking at jail it's almost cruel to announce her Mean Girls co-star Amanda Seyfried has been picked to play Linda Lovelace – the role that Linds was gunning for before her recent round of troubles began. [Variety]
• Kristen Stewart is up for more R-Patz thrusting – this time at his London flat. [Daily Mail]
• When it came to the poor man's Heidi Klum/Kate Hudson Halloween bash that is the Maroon 5 party, Xtina didn't want to act like those fools at music festivals who wear stilettos only to have them sink into the ground, so she kindly asked two plebs to follow her around with a red couch so she could sit down. [Page Six]
• Marc Jacobs was too busy cavorting around in sequins and a powdered face at the Boom Boom Room to attend his Provincetown fundraiser. Though to be fair, he made the right choice. [Page Six]
• Social visionary Luc Carl, only known as Gaga's ex, knows exactly what the Lower East Side needs – another exclusive bar. [Page Six]
• Gay collector Kathy Griffin hits the town with the jewel of her collection, Anderson Cooper, in Chelsea. Such a cute friendship. [NYDN]
• Homewrecking is for life, say Denise Richards and Richie Sambora. The pair giving each other another spin around the block. [E!]
• Donald Trump takes on Jon Stewart in his continued bid for relevancy. [E!]
• Nicolas Cage's emo son Westin has further strengthened the sanctity of straight marriage by divorcing his wife of six months, Nikki Williams Cage. [E!]
• Wash my mouth out with soap, but Zac Efron is kind of hot as the Reno 911 officer. [Towleroad]
• Hillary Clinton's mom Dorothy Rodham passed away at the pretty decent age of 92. It's still sad, though. [US]
• Determined to play it cool, Selma Blair says the paparazzi are annoying but prefers to view their work as one big family scrapbook. [People]
• They're releasing a documentary about The Phantom Tollbooth early next year to celebrate the book's 50th anniversary! OMG indeed! [OMG]
• Docs tell Rihanna to relax and lay off the booze. [The Sun]
• It looks like the GQ Australia-fueled rumors of gay lechery paid off, with Taylor Lautner set to star in Gus Van Sant's next film. [Hollywood Reporter]