Kim Kardashian Weds in Disappointingly Pratfall-Free Ceremony

By Erin Gloria Ryan | August 21, 2011 | 3:00pm

Celebrities Dirt Bag

Kim Kardashian, got married to her giant boyfriend Kris Humphries yesterday in a lavish $10 bazillion glorification of all that’s wrong with the world. The ceremony featured a star-studded 440 person guest list including such of-the-moment cultural forces as Lindsay Lohan, Avril Lavigne, and several members of the cast of Dancing with the Stars (not the stars themselves; the people who dance with them). All of the guests were requested to stick to a black and white dress code, just like Beetlejuice would have wanted. Kim wore a dress that happened after mother/pimp Kris Jenner shoved dozens of yards of ivory tulle down Vera Wang’s throat and the designer puked it back up. Kim would later go on to change into two additional dresses after the ceremony, because these are tough times for everyone and three additional gowns would have just been gauche. The Kardashians are tasteful and sensitive to the plights of others like that. There was a strapless dress with a bow the size of a child who should have completed potty training. There was a big tent. The bridesmaids dressed in ivory as well as a sort of ham fisted hat tip to Pippa Middleton’s dress, just to remind us that the Kardashian family is like American royalty (if that’s the case, does that make Brody Jenner our Prince Harry? Because barf.).

This is the first marriage for Humphries, 26, and the second for Kim, who was previously married from 2000 to 2004.

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All in all, it was exactly the type of wedding you could expect if you knew it was being planned by a team of megalomaniac tween girls with delusions of princessdom, a stash of People magazines from 2005, and an unlimited budget, and I hate myself so much for wanting to watch this when it airs on E! in October. I hope against hope that this is the Kardashian family’s Fonz on a stunt motorcycle in Hawaii moment and after this is over, we all begin Giving Up On The Kardashians. [Yahoo][Daily Mail]

Meanwhile, Ray J, who many of you may remember as the costar in Kim’s boring sex tape or guy on VH1 that ladies with face tattoos do things for the love of, texted Kim to take credit for her career. If this were a shitty Dirty Dancing reboot, at this point in the action, Ray J would do the meringue onstage and sing “You’ve had the time of your life, and you owe it all to me.” In the terrible movie that’s playing in my head, his poorly received performance would be cut short by a long shepherd’s crook that drags him offstage. And then he’s replaced by a rapping granny. Hilarious! [ONTD]
Country singer Chely Wright also got married yesterday, to her LGBT activist partner of just over a year. Everyone got married this week! I would have, too, if half of my potential guest list wasn’t busy at the Kardashian thing. [Yahoo]
Zac Efron’s nutty friends made a mess of his pool and backyard while he was away shooting movies, and he is mad. This is just like what happened in every single episode of Entourage, ever. [Contact Music]
For the last few years, professional smolderer Josh Hartnett has been taking time off from acting to focus on smoldering independently, without cameras present. He says it’s fun being an unemployed actor. [Just Jared]
Lil Wayne is getting sued for stealing the beat he uses in his new hilariously titled song How to Love. Weezy, beat stealing aside, I suggest that before you advise the general public on how to love (or perhaps he is advising robots? That would make more sense; all robots’ deepest desire is to learn how to love. Everyone knows that.), you brush up on your basic anatomy and physiology and learn the difference between periods and VD. Just because you think both things are icky doesn’t mean they’re the same! [TMZ]
Emma Stone says that the key to true beauty lies within, which I’m pretty sure she got from a Disney movie or an episode of Lady Lovelilocks, because it’s silly. Everyone knows that real beauty doesn’t lie within or on the outside; real beauty must be purchased and worn, or surgically acquired. And, when all else fails, airbrush. [People]
Real Housewife of Orange County Alexis Bellino is threatening to sue a tabloid who reported that she was going broke, which sounds exactly like something that someone would do if they were actually going broke. [TMZ]
Anne Hathaway tried to explain away her inconsistent British accent in her new film One Day, saying that because her character moved from Yorkshire to London and hung out with different groups of people who talk differently, she needed to adjust her character’s manner of speaking. This is almost as believable a “bad at accents” cover up as that disclaimer at the beginning of that Britney Murphy movie Love and Other Disasters, which explains that Britney’s character grew up in England and then moved to America, which is why she sometimes has a British accent and sometimes does not. This is also known as “The Madonna Explanation.” [Contact Music]
Charlie Sheen and his early 90’s stand up comedian turned blackjack dealer hair went to Mexico with ex Brooke Mueller, where they pretended to smoke bananas like cigars in a goofy picture that makes me kind of sad. [TMZ]
Simon Cowell wants to be cryogenically frozen, and thank goodness. Our children’s children’s children need, more than anything, someone around to tell them straight up that they are terrible singers and will never be stars. [Contact Music]
Image via AP