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Karmic Punching Bag Ellen DeGeneres' Home Burglary Might Have Been an 'Inside Job'

Illustration for article titled Karmic Punching Bag Ellen DeGeneres Home Burglary Might Have Been an Inside Job
Photo: Valerie Macon/AFP (Getty Images)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that things don’t look good for ol’ Ellen DeGeneres. And now, with the passage of time, as leaves fall to the ground and crumble into dirt and mix with the rain and congeal into that mud that I will carry with me on the bottom of my sensibly heeled strappy sandals as I skip through the shadows on this sundial called life…they still don’t!

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In case you missed it last month amidst all the allegations about DeGeneres engendering a hostile work environment on the set of her daytime talk show (I did), there was apparently a burglary at the embittered I mean embattled TV host’s $27 million dollar Montecito home over Fourth of July weekend. Police initially told the press that DeGeneres and wife Portia de Rossi had been “targeted due to [their] celebrity status,” but now it appears that the heist might have been an “inside job.”

The Sun obtained an email newsletter sent out by the Montecito Association—essentially the neighborhood association for this super-wealthy, celebrity-filled enclave east of Santa Barbara in Southern California—telling Ellen’s neighbors that they shouldn’t worry about getting similarly burglarized. “If it had been a case of outsiders coming in and breaking and entering, I’d have alerted you to be on the lookout and lock up everything,” the newsletter from the Montecito Association’s executive director reads. “According to our very helpful Sheriff Lt. Arnoldi, that appears to be an inside job.”

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Love how this email is basically like “Don’t worry, it’s just Ellen.” Can’t stop picturing fellow Montecito residents Oprah Winfrey, Katy Perry, and Rob Kardashian reading it and being like “sick.”


Speaking of Montecito, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry just moved in. They bought a $14.65 million mansion, which (please sit down for this) they consider (are you sitting??) a steal.

“Harry and Meghan see it as an absolute bargain,” an anonymous source told Us Weekly.

I, on the other hand, can only see red!!

Worse, still, Harry is said to be super proud of himself for taking out a $9.5 million mortgage to purchase the estate without getting help from his dad, Prince Charles—who, for the record, totally would’ve bought the thing for him, according to Us.

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Taking out a loan and becoming indebted—how authentic! When will Tyra Show era Tyra Banks? Shepherdess cosplayer Marie Antoinette is shaking…


  • Exes Courtney Cox and David Arquette have both signed on to reprise their roles in the upcoming Scream 5 I didn’t know was happening until just now. [Us Weekly]
  • Gucci Mane and girlfriend Keyshia Ka’oir have announced that they’re going to have a baby. [Page Six]
  • When cis actors portray trans characters, they risk reinforcing the harmful idea that trans people’s genders are “a sort of a performance,” says Annette Bening. She’s right. Our genders are not merely some sort of performance. If that were true, people would be clapping for me—and I don’t hear clapping!! This distresses me. [Pink News]
  • Scary! Chrissy Teigen didn’t know she was pregnant during her breast reduction surgery until after it was over. [TMZ]
  • Tameka Harris, a.k.a., Tiny, has been using her niece’s homemade hair masks, oil treatments, and other assorted “avocado stuff” to keep her hair nourished and cute during quarantine. [Page Six]
  • Finding out that Lil’ Kim might be thinking about making an OnlyFans with her boyfriend, Mr. Papers? Love that! Her boyfriend, Mr. Papers, posting on Instagram about how “If you cheat, bitch, I’ll kill you”? Hate that! Run, Kimberly! [Bossip]
  • Shania Twain channeled her endlessly iconic all-leopard look from “That Don’t Impress Me Much” in her new music video with Orville Peck. [Hollywood Life]
  • Speaking of which…

Freelance journalist (GQ, Esquire, Out, elsewhere), here on weekends

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DISCUSSION

JiminyCricket
JiminyCricket

Harry is said to be super proud of himself for taking out a $9.5 million mortgage to purchase the estate without getting help from his dad, Prince Charles

I’m not particularly invested in the royals and have no idea how true any of this is, but I am pretty sure that the money/allowance Harry still gets from Charles will be used to pay that mortgage anyway.

Felt like I was reading one of those articles about “a 25 year old who already owns their home so anyone can do it” followed by minor details about how their grandparent left them a six-figure inheritance and they work for their dad’s company etc. etc.