Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, Week 6: Music Video Tragedy Inspires League-Wide Penalty
LatestThis is the sixth week of Jezebel’s first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, a fantasy league about the Kardashians, the Jenners, and closely-related family members. The rules are here; playoffs are January 9, 2016.
This week inspired a Kardashian-Jenner Fantasy League first: a play so bungled that the entire operation was forced to repent. Every team took the L this week in the form of the Kris Jenner “She Loves Her Friends” birthday video offensive perpetrated by almost every member of every team, with the exception of a few secondary Jenners no one cares about, and a couple of babies. In the interest of transparency, the video is as follows:
Because The League simply cannot tolerate this irresponsible off-field behavior, we have issued a league-wide 25-point penalty in the hopes that the offending teams, coaches, and individual players may learn from this and move forward in a manner more befitting the hallowed legacy of the Kardashian-Jenner Fantasy League.
Yours in justice,
Commish
Team Bush & The Tush
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +32
Rumored new romance: +1 that I didn’t count from last week ‘cause she had so many I forgot
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: +50
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: 7
North West
Blog mentions: 2
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Penalty for that horrendous vid: -25
Total Yardage: 67
Performance Summary: Kendall Jenner’s birthday fun times bled into this week, with a new car she bought for herself, another rumored relationship I forgot to tally last week because there are just so many, and prep for the VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW helllllo miracle bra! Those auspicious events meant that no defense was a match for Kendall, who scored multiple touchdowns, more than making up for the lackluster yardage gained by the birthday of her potential step father, Mr. Corey Gamble. Unfortunately, Cor isn’t quite the name that Kendall is, so unless some more news items trickle out about whatever party Kris Jenner is having for him that will pale in comparison to her insane 60th party, he’ll likely continue to play poorly, overshadowed by Kris’s more famous children at his own girlfriend’s event. And while last week North West had an exciting Halloween and one sassy paparazzi interaction, this week’s North had… almost nothing. I’m starting to get worried that she’s feeling too threatened by her incoming sibling to focus on her game. As for Brandon—literally Who? —Kate Dries
TEAM THE GROSS FAN
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +18
Tabloid cover: +30
Outside product shill on Instagram: -5
Book mentions on Instagram: +3
Book mentions on Twitter: +10 (Honestly there were so many but I’ll just go with 10.)
Monthly magazine cover: +20
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions: +17
Penelope Disick
Blog mentions: +3
Casey Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total yardage: 59
Performance summary: Khloe Kardashian decided to get her head out of the clouds and back on the field this week, and most of it is thanks to her new book. As a piece of literature, Strong Looks Better Naked is about as worthless as telling Tom Brady to play tight end (I had to google “football positions” for that one and still don’t know whether or not it makes sense), but as a way of racking up points, it was a goldmine. Khloe went everywhere to promote this book, and even though it meant she missed a few practices and pep talks, it got her on the cover of Redbook. Everyone knows a coach’s biggest dream is to see one of their players grace the cover of Redbook. And now, here I am—the proudest coach in town. Meanwhile, Kris Jenner’s $2M birthday party made a few headlines, but overall I feel like it underperformed. And that damned video—as wonderful as it was—took 25 points from my score. This league’s unexpected rule changes are ruining my life. —Bobby Finger
TEAM BIBLE
Kim Kardashian
Blogs: +34
App mentions: +5
Red carpet: +5 (LACMA Gala)
Vogue Podcast with André Leon Talley: +20
Product shill: -5 (Secret Closet)
Caitlyn Jenner
Blogs: +16
Red carpet: +5 (Glamour)
Brody Jenner
Blogs: +3
Leah Jenner
0 ;/
Penalty: -25
Total yardage: 58
Performance summary: This week, Caitlyn was honored as one of Glamour’s Women of the Year and I couldn’t be prouder as a coach. Actually, I’m even more proud of her not attending Kris Jenner’s Gatsby-themed 60th birthday party and instead making a homemade video of herself drinking Champagne in a bubble bath to wish Kris a happy b-day. Extra shade points to Caitlyn. All this gave my MVP Kim a little time to take a breather on the bench (only one tweet about her app) though, of course, Kim still managed to use her mom’s birthday bash as a photo op. After sleeping through the opening games, Brody is finally starting to warm up and come alive out there, making headlines for his Australian DJ tour. I guess all my tough talks are getting through to him. Leah is still not allowed in the locker room and I will use any opportunity I have to get her off my team. —Clover Hope
TEAM NOBODY
Kylie Jenner
Blog mentions: +38
App mentions: +8
Product shill: +2 (her own)
Rob Kardashian
Blog mentions: +3
Bambi and Norman Jenner
Blog mentions: +0
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +0
Penalty for a video I refuse to watch: -25
Total yardage: 26
Performance summary:
It’s the worst week yet for Team Nobody, due to some video that—judging from our mandatory 25 points deducted—is just five points better than an arrest in the scheme of Kardashian-Jenner Fantasy Football. I refuse to watch this video, although I believe it’s terrible, as the link hit several group texts of mine this week. “This is our culture smh,” said my girlfriends, and yet they (we) watched. Kylie Jenner herself seems to be doing a bit of a dance around the boundaries of the game she continues to invent with every ritual war-mask she applies to her face. “Kylie Jenner flaunts it all in Insta selfie,” tweeted MTV News, “reveals she has TWO bath mats.” Is this really news? replied Kylie. This shit is getting out of hand. The calculus here is fascinating. I’m more interested in a person having two bath mats myself than I am in the fact that someone has titties, but then again, I have titties myself (not that they compare) and only one bath mat. The cruel season continues apace. —Jia Tolentino
TEAM I THOUGHT YOU HATE HOT PINK
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog Mentions: +22
OD KUWTK plug: +2
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +13
Instagrammed/released from rehab!!!!: +5
Mason Disick
MJ Shannon
This Penalty Might Actually Be Too Generous: -25
Total Yardage: 17
Performance Summary: The slaughter continues, and it’s ever apparent that this team cannot coast on headlines about Kourtney Kardashian’s Taut Bod alone. As a coach, though, I’ve always loved the challenge of getting an underdog into shape, and Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink’s prospects are up this week with Scott Disick’s triumphant release from rehab, from which he apparently exited and immediately boarded a private jet. MJ and Mason might as well be ghost players, but we will survive even with this paltry score (which suffered the most from the blow of the Kris Jenner’s appalling birthday video, rightfully, as Kourtney Kardashian appeared to be the ringleader). Going into Week 7, I remain optimistic: the Lord is back, hallelujah. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE
Team Bible: 450
Team Bush & the Tush: 414
Team Nobody: 390
Team The Gross Fan: 388
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 267
Contact the author at [email protected].
Images via Getty