JWoww And Her Boobs Wrote An Advice Book

While her book—The Rules According to JWOWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death, and Kicking the Competition to the Curb—contains a lot of practical dating advice (never leave home without a change of panties, spice up your love life by having a quickie in a Macy’s dressing room, as well as extensive instructions for applying fake-tanner) the lion’s share of it is really all about her boobs. JWoww thanks her plastic surgeon in her acknowledgments. She even uses breasts as a metaphor for her “rules” on the very first page:

Women need dating rules like they need bras. Sure, you can go without them, but if you do—and you’re sporting a nice boob job like I am—you are gonna be flopping out there in the wind. You need the right support.

Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of contradictions within the guidance she doles out. For example, many, many pages are spent on the application of hair extensions, acrylic nails, eyelash glue, bronzer, permanent makeup, etc., but then JWoww seems to have a problem with someone who go “overboard” with the fakeness:

What I am talking about here is the type of woman—mostly found in the tristate area—who has gone overboard enhancing every inch of herself. Who considers plastic surgery a pastime. These women go to clubs and act like their shit don’t stink. They’re fake head to toe: overtanned, dragon-lady nails, collagen lips, Botox, makeup like a clown, and hair that is so Aqua Netted it can’t move and might catch on fire if someone lights a match.

Also, so much time is spent on alcohol and how it’s so important not to drink too much. She also advocates that women remove their makeup before going to bed, not smoke cigarettes, stay hydrated, and not have sex until they are over 21. Does she think we’ve never seen an episode of Jersey Shore?

But, back to her tits — they are central to the book’s theme, which is getting attention in a nightclub. Here’s one tip:

Lean in. Especially effective if you’re sporting serious cleavage, like I try to do…When he’s talking, bend from the waist in his direction. Just watch where his eyes are drawn! It’s a move that not only calls attention to you boobs but says, I am into you.

But boobs are also good for breakups:

Show him what he’s missing. Go for a makeover — lose weight, get a new haircut and color, hot clothes, even a boob job — then walk by and watch his tongue hang out.

But perhaps what best sums up how JWoww generally lives her life, and suggests you live yours is Rule #35: You can’t go wrong with cleavage.

Why? Because the mere sight of The Girls out in the open turns men to Jell-O. Maybe it reminds them of their first meal. Maybe a glimpse of what you’re offering helps them fantasize what a night with you would be like. I can’t explain it, but I do know that boobs hypnotize the opposite sex…If you’ve ever seen me, you know I am all about making the “breast-dressed” lists…[But] be careful how much of your assets you air in public. You want to look sexy, not slutty…I don’t care how proud you are of your twins, if your cup runneth over…it’s too much. I also want to emphasize that you don’t need boobs the size of mine to show cleavage. There are plenty of padded bras out there and plastic surgeons that can work miracles…