Justin Bieber Attacked By Wild Animals On Oprah

The dreamy teen wonder sat down with Oprah today — predictably the audience, consisting solely of frothy-mouthed young females, went into a feeding frenzy. It was a terrifying jungle, but Mother Nature is not gentle. She is brutal, untamed. Observe.

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The wild hyena spots her prey.

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She lunges for her dinner. The chase is brief, but Bieber slips through her paws. She will return to the den empty-handed.

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A young female vulture stretches her wings, preparing to to swoop down upon the young star. Nearby, young howler monkeys swing aggressively as they lower themselves through the trees.

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Brightly colored parrots nest in the highest reaches of the jungle balcony. If you listen closely, you can hear their high-pitched mating calls.

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The panther roars with agitation. The competition for meat is stiff, and she hopes her fearsome demeanor may ward off competitors.

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A treetop mongoose emerges. She is excited, and maybe moving too quickly to hunt with proper execution.

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As dusk sets, the frogs grow louder — Bieber serves a dual purpose for these amphibians, as he is both a potential mate and the juiciest fly they may ever feast upon.

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But wait! The lioness emerges! She has been lying in wait, and now will swiftly make her move.

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She grabs Bieber in her powerful arms, claws digging into the soft flesh of his back. He has no chance of escape. The queen of the jungle ensnares enough meat to get her cubs through the next hour.

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The three-toed sloth retreats, resigned to another night of hunger. She is slow, and will not survive the night if she remains on the jungle floor.

To watch the action live is an intense experience. The roars, the imminent violence — the jungle is raw. And in the face of biological need, there can only be blood.

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DISCUSSION

I sometimes wonder whether all of these young ladies REALLY, truly feel this intensely about Justin Bieber or rather there is some sort of mass hysteria, wherein these girls drive themselves into a higher and higher level of intensity/insanity.

Also, has there been any kind of research done into the differences in idol worship in young women vs. young men?

Why is it that you NEVER see groups of young men acting this way? Why are there never groups of metal-mouthed, barely-pubescent boys screaming and waving signs imploring Miley Cyrus to marry them? Or even "I LOVE MILEY" signs? In fact, why are there more young women exhibiting these behaviors at Miley's concerts than boys?

Just some things I'm thinking...