Just Like Us, Billions of Cicadas Are Ready to Emerge for Giant Bug Orgy

Just like humans above ground, a staggering horde of sexually deprived, subterraneous cicadas have been waiting what feels like forever to emerge from their homes and bone literally every creature they see. But perhaps for the first time ever, these public-sex loving bugs are likely to be horrified by the ongoing sex-fest among post-vaccinated humans into which they surface.

According to bug scientists, billions of 17-year cicadas, called Brood X, are set to emerge any day now and just get right down to business in a dozen U.S. states from New York to Georgia and as far west as Illinois. When the soil gets warm enough, the cicadas emerge from their claustrophobic bug holes, often after a gushing rain, to wail their desperate little pleas for sex, fuck, and die, which, yeah, relatable. Apparently, the male yammering can be as loud as a lawnmower or motorcycle, a phenomenon that, again, should be unremarkable to those of us living above ground and experienced in the vocal phenomenon of males of other species.

After the big bug orgy, females slash open trees to lay their eggs, and the offspring burrow into the ground to wait their 17 years for a chance to bang. Their parents, having had their sex, wither up and die. Welcome to the party Brood X, like literally, you’re going to have to clear a space among the empty White Claw cans and shriveled carcasses of millions of post-coital humans, who have been waiting what feels like the better part of two decades to bone a stranger, exactly like you.