Image: Stella McCartney (Neiman Marcus)

Earlier this week, the Roanoke Times reported news of what is either a thoroughly compelling mystery or truly amateur burglary: in two separate nighttime break-ins this summer, thieves crept into a Roanoke, Virginia shoe store and made off with a few clothing items and 13 right-foot display shoes. The matching shoes were behind the counter, but since they set off the alarm (bad thieving!), it likely behooved them to grab what they could. The shopkeeper of Clean Soles remarked that their efforts were pointless:

Not much good “unless you have two right feet,” said Rob Wickham, who operates the shop. “Pretty much risking their freedom for nothing.”

With all due respect to a person who has twice suffered larceny over the past two months, I beg to differ. Make! it! work! burglars!

  • 1) Show off your haul to other burglars by filling a burlap sack and quickly flash the shoes
  • 2) Quit burglary, move away from the Roanoke area, and get a head start on your new shoe store!
  • 3) Arrange them on the floor of an art gallery and issue a press release
  • 4) Expedite TSA check-in for yourself and everyone
  • 5) Surprise your roommate with an ominous trail in your apartment which leads to nowhere
  • 6) Repurpose the shoes as cactus planters and remove the laces, tie them to magnets, and use them to fish metallic objects which have fallen down a drain (seriously, imagination is the limit)
  • 7) Use them as doorstops for 13 doors
  • 8) Stick your leg out on the red carpet, like really far out 
  • 9) Cut them apart and glue the pieces all together to make a Frankenstein sneaker and call it Balenciaga
  • 10) Hurl them at enemies on television

But really you could and probably should donate them.

A 17-year-old has been charged in one of the burglaries.

But what was it all for?