Joe Biden, the most GIF-able VP we’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, put his patented shit-eating grin to good use at the Gridiron Dinner, a Washington, D.C. roast that gives politicians the opportunity to make each other cry under the pretense of “humor.” In the true spirit of an election year (AKA probably just having no fucks to give anymore), Biden lampooned everyone from the Bush family to the Supreme Court. But the vice saved his best one-liners for the sociopaths who are responsible for the circus of your nightmares: the GOP primary candidates.
The vice president finally had the proper venue to get back at America’s least-favorite robot, Marc Rubio, for when he invoked Biden at a GOP debate. (He also reminded me why I should get Snapchat.)
“Marco Rubio: That debate where Robo Rubio appeared. Look, it shows exactly why I’ve never bothered with any talking points. They just get you in trouble.
And when Marco brought my name up in a debate, he said Biden’s got 1,000 years of experience in Washington. Well, you know what that makes me? A millennial.
That’s why I’m on Snapchat—
which is perfect for me.”
While Biden did not say whether he thinks Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, he made sure to note how much he loathes him—along with everyone else in D.C. (and pretty much everywhere).
“Ted Cruz? An inspiration to every kid in America who worries that he’ll never be able to run for president because nobody likes him. He’s running. And look, I told Barack, if you really, really want to remake the Supreme Court, nominate Cruz. Before you know it, you’ll have eight vacancies.”
But most importantly, he did everyone except the state of New Jersey a favor by demanding that Donald Trump remove Chris Christie’s brain from the jar he keeps in the basement of Trump Tower and restore the zombified governor to full human form.
“Donald has attacked every person of color – except John Boehner.
And he has demonstrated that he has a very difficult time when he has to deal with bright women of authority, like Megyn Kelly and Governor Nikki Haley. Can’t you picture it? Can’t you picture his reaction watching Hillary take the oath of office? It’s going to be worth the price of admission.
But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes ‘people who don’t get captured.’
What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain.
So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word – and release Chris Christie right now.”
Even though Christie denies he was held hostage at Trump’s Super Tuesday conference on March 1, we know Stockholm Syndrome when we see it. #FreeChrisChristie and let him roam in the wilds of the Garden State he calls home, that desperate little potato of a man.
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Image via Getty.