Sure, cool girls drink beer. They drink it to feel drunk, they drink it because they like the taste (ooh, hoppy, one might say), they drink it because it’s a Thursday at 4 p.m., and what are they gonna do, not crack open a cold one and watch the hockey event?!
On this, our final day of competition, our Olympians were tasked with an event both mentally and physically grueling—something that required them to use their knowledge of practical physics and their hand strength: open a bottle of beer with anything but a bottle opener (a fun trick to impress people at a party), and chug it as fast as they can. Difficulty of execution would be honored in the case of a tie. But there were no ties here.
The first competitor to complete the challenge was Team Franzen’s Aimée Lutkin, who submitted a video that’s made me weep with laughter every time I’ve watched it. Her beer of choice: a Corona; her method: to use the latch on her bathroom door as a lever to pop the cap off. She opened the beer within a few seconds, and then chugged the beer with very few breaks, staring directly into the camera, pausing only to scream, weep, and burp.
I personally supervised Team Football’s Clover Hope and Team Beer’s Kelly Stout as they performed their opening in the Jezebel company kitchen. Hope carefully rolled a dollar bill, attempting to use it as a sturdy lever to pop off the top of her I.P.A.—a technique she says she learned from Men’s Health magazine (props for authenticity). This did not work. So she used her metal ring, and went at individual divots in the cap of the beer. This also did not work, so she started banging the cap on the table. By this time, two whole minutes had passed, so Stout began her challenge.
Stout popped the top of her beer off in under three seconds with the bottom of a knife. Then, she became distracted by Hope, who was trying to imitate Stout’s move but couldn’t figure it out. Stout soon finished her beer, after complaining multiple times, “I hate chugging. It’s giving me a cramp. Oh, the gas!”
Hope tried the dollar method again; it did not work. After seven minutes of struggle, Stout opened the beer for her. If this had been a beauty pageant, Stout would have won Miss Congeniality, but it ain’t—cool girls don’t publicly respect beauty pageants, maybe they’ve never even seen one. Hope then drank it in about a minute. It was like when someone twists their ankle in a marathon but then they finish it anyway. Very moving!
Team Wings’ Phoebe Bradford sent her video in last, in which she ably popped open her Corona (these chicks love Corona—the plural of Corona is Corona) with a lighter, and then chugged it, eyes watering with the spirit of competition. “I haven’t done this since high school,” she said.
Gold: Aimée Lutkin, Team Franzen, 43 seconds
Silver: Phoebe Bradford, Team Wings, 59 seconds
Bronze: Kelly Stout, Team Beer, 2 minutes, 52 seconds
Failed to place: Clover Hope, Team Football, 9 minutes, 44 seconds
Team Wings: 4 gold medals, 2 silver medals
Team Football: 1 gold medal, 1 silver medal, 3 bronze medals
Team Beer: 1 gold medal, 2 silver medals, 2 bronze medals
Team Franzen: 1 gold medal, 2 silver medals, 1 bronze medal