Jesus Saves (on Easter Candy and Plastic Grass)

Illustration for article titled Jesus Saves (on Easter Candy and Plastic Grass)

Jesus died for our sins — so we better make 'em worth it. There's no better way to honor the heavenly bodies rising (from the heavens?) than by binging on bulk bins filled with wax-chocolate bunnies the size of toddlers. GOD BLESS.

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While other people might tell you what Easter candies to avoid, we say look at this list and do the exact opposte — pound those Peeps and Palmer's Peanut Butter Cups, dive into some Dove White Chocolate Eggs, and bankrupt Brach's ear wax jelly beans. BUT WAIT — don't go nuts quite yet.

Because Jesus was frugal, and he'd want you to save. So appease thy stomach with magical fish and bread (Amy's canned soups in bulk from Costco), but wait until April 1st to rise from your bed and pillage Walgreens candy aisle. Then, you can dive into giant shiny bags of half-off pastel M&Ms, exactly as JC prophesied thousands of years earlier. Go make the big guy proud. Happy Easter, and I'll see you all in hell!

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*Except, fuck you, fake-ass Snickers egg that looks like a Cadbury Creme Egg but isn't. Even Jesus doesn't break for that shit.

[Daily Beast]

Dan Kosmayer/Shutterstock

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DISCUSSION

The only Easter candies that matter are the egg shaped Reecee's cups. Easter candy sucks in general, always has. Freaking peeps. Who wants a damn yellow or pink marshmellow? Jelly Beans? Really? That's all you got? Cadburry eggs are disgusting as well. All of that cream and then the yellow gunk in the middle. Overly sweet and somehow bland at the same time, no name chocolate eggs wrapped in foil? Those are the worst. It's all about the Reecee's cups and whatever delicious dessert your Mama makes.

Pro tip. This might sound disgusting but the next time you have a Reecee's cup, put it in the microwave for about twenty seconds. It get's all warm and gooey and then you can suck it down out of the paper like an oyster. Yeah, I take my candy seriously.

Jesus Saves! Happy Easter, or whatever it is that you celebrate.