Jesse James's emails with Mistress #5 reveal that, in addition to his other failings, he's pretty much the world's worst correspondent. Which just won't fly on today's dating scene.
RadarOnline has published James's back-and-forth with Merilee Gerth, a former employee at West Coast Choppers. His spelling errors and disturbing remedies for gastric distress form a pretty comprehensive "don'ts" list for e-mailing — an increasingly important skill in the era of online dating and online life in general. Many a great relationship has begun with an email — but guys (and women too!) can increase their odds by avoiding James's pitfalls.
1. Don't Use A Stupid Nickname
Sure, you want to be creative and funny — but the place for that is the body of your email. Do not set up your account so that the sender's name reads "Mr. Vanilla Gorilla" — or Sir Fucksalot, or Big-Dick Bob, or El Duderino, or whatever dumb thing you always try to get your bros to call you. No woman thinks this is cool — and when RadarOnline releases your emails, you will be embarrassed.
2. Spell properly
Sure, the occasional "u" can be okay for texting (or sexting, if you're Tiger Woods). But when you're sending an e-mail, the implication is that you put a bit of time into it. Time enough to avoid this:
Morning!......you look pretty Hot today......juss fyi.
Jesse - "When are you gonna be back?"
Merilee - "Noon.....or if you want I can go later today after you leave for Laughlin. Want me to resched?"
Jesse - "Naaw isss ok just get no love anymore......"
I guess maybe James's creative spelling could be a way of approximating speech — if you're a snake.
3. Don't Be Boring
Check out Percy Fucking Shelley here:
Jesse - "Hi"
Merilee - "Hi daddy-o ... how are you?"
Jesse - "Otay"
This would be pretty dull even for a text exchange, but who sends an e-mail that simply reads "Hi"? And who — aside from maybe third-grade teachers and their students — actually types the word "Otay"? An alleged white supremacist and serial cheater, that's who. Don't let this be you.
4. Don't Be Gross
Here's an especially steamy conversation:
Jesse - "In a meeting?"
Merilee - "No...I'm done."
Jesse - "Need anything before I split? ....."
Merilee - "Some tums."
Jesse - "I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better ....."
Unless you ejaculate calcium carbonate, a blow job is not a good remedy for stomach upset. Although, to be fair, Gerth isn't helping James out too much here. Couldn't she have asked for a sexy massage, or a kiss, or even a quickie in the supply closet (or whatever motorcycle shops have)? Pretty much anything is sexier than Tums. Gerth herself also commits Adulterous Email Fail when James writes "I'm cold!" — and she offers him her space heater:
Jesse - "I'm cold!"
Merilee - "Do you want me to bring you a heater? I have one in my office you can use. It isn't the best heater... but it helps."
Jesse - "My heat is on......"
Merilee - "I put it outside of your office door. Plug it in and put it under your desk."
Jesse - "You coulda came in......you can keep it you need it more than I do........I'm juss being a baby."
Merilee - "You have a 'do not disturb' sign up on your door."
Either she's as e-maladroit as he is, or she wasn't as into their affair — or maybe she just didn't want to write anything incriminating for fear that her words would one day wind up all over the Internet. Which brings us to the real take-home message of all of this: if you can't manage discretion, at least have some style. Then when every tabloid in America calls you a cheating neo-Nazi asshole, at least you can take comfort in your spelling skills.