Which Douchebag Billionaire Will Buy this Giant Space Diamond?

A record-breaking 555.55-carat black diamond called “The Enigma” will be up for bidding this February, courtesy of Sotheby’s, and rich people are surely peeing themselves with excitement. The real enigma, however, is which one is going to buy this wildly unnecessary space diamond and win the never-ending wee-wee sword fight between billionaires. Lord knows we’ve got some contenders.

Dubbed the “Fancy Black Diamond” by the historic auction house, the rock is one of the largest diamonds in the world according to both the House of Gübelin in Switzerland and the Gemological Institute of America. The diamond also earned a spot in the Guinness World Records in 2006 and has apparently been hiding out in a private collection until recently.

Sotheby’s experts are unclear exactly where the diamond came from, but believe it may have been created by a “meteoric impact” or that it “emerged from a diamond-bearing asteroid that collided with Earth,” according to a Sotheby’s release.

I’ve done some musing about potential buyers and my money’s on either the recently divorced former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos (who has been doing ultra-rich things lately, like swimming with models and attending disco parties whilst grinning) or SpaceX’s Elon Musk. It seems likely that both have Google alerts set for “diamond-bearing asteroid,” so they’re probably already calling their financial advisors to ready the funds. Notably, Sotheby’s will accept cryptocurrency as payment, so from that perspective I bet Musk is willing to throw whatever shitcoin he plans to pump next at the glittery space rock.

Facebook (not M*ta) CEO Mark Zuckerburg seems too annoyingly practical for this one, and Google’s Larry Page is too lowkey for something so ostentatious. Though, this does feel incredibly on-brand for the eccentric and notoriously OTT Virgin CEO Richard Branson, who is already involved in the trust fund space race.

Mark your calendars, assholes!