J-Law's BFF Wrote a Charming Essay About Being Her Oscar Date

Jennifer Lawrence has a civilian best friend (no, not you; sorry, I’m not embedding in your active imaginary life today) and, being a good best friend, Jennifer Lawrence brought her to the Oscars.

As a beautiful gift and a boon to all of the Internet, J-Law’s BFF Laura Simpson has penned an account of her time at the Oscars on Myspace, of all places (you may recognize her from that weird tabloid rumor that she dumped Bradley Cooper or from the tender photos of her and Jennifer Lawrence guzzling wine on a terrace). From Laura’s account, we learn quite a lot about What The Oscars Are Really Like.

A lot of it is expected: you get to wear a big-ass dress if you know Jennifer Lawrence, celebrities are idling about, everyone’s hungry. But some of it is noteworthy — thus, here are the 5 most important tidbits, ranked from most disappointing to least disappointing:

1. The Fall was probably not staged.

Laura discusses Jennifer Lawrence’s red carpet fall with an air of surprise, like someone who was fallen on top of with no prior planning:

We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the
car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to
break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people
circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are
famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible.

This is a huge blow to me because J-Law Fall Truthers are my second-favorite kind of conspiracy theorists (coming right after the people who think that everyone in the government is a shape-shifting reptoid).

2. If you’re not famous at the Oscars, everyone treats you like a meaty heap of garbage whose only conceivable purpose on this planet is to get in the way of photos being taken.

The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her
photo. Oh and photographers on the carpet yell “YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS,
GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SHOT.” It’s incredible. It is no wonder actors
are crazy.

🙁

3. The Oscars are even more boring in person.

[U]nless people are to either side of center stage, I can’t see jack shit.
They mount two maybe 32″ TVs on either side of the auditorium which are
near impossible to see so basically everyone in the theater is just
sitting in complete darkness during the categories. It’s around this
time that you realize you are STARVING and haven’t had any food since
breakfast at 9 a.m. It’s hot and you feel like you’re going to pass out.

If you’re at the Oscars, you can’t even see Pink not being on a trapeze clearly enough to complain about it!

4. Brad Pitt exudes a natural and tantalizing odor just ’cause.

Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we
ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, “I don’t wear cologne,
it’s just my musk I guess.” I have to choose not to believe him because
it would just be unfair to mankind.

Kind of weird that a famed perfume salesman would not rub himself in sumptuous scented oils like the rest of us, but it makes me unreasonably happy to know that Brad Pitt smells good.

5. You can encounter Bill Murray at any time, even when you’re not innocently wandering around Williamsburg.

I… decide to follow Bill Murray around the party.
At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to
“If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart—a moment, I
now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.