Image: Getty Images.

A nearby brushfire threatened to drive the celebrities from Coachella in their helicopters today, but seriously, I hope everybody else is okay. CBS Los Angeles reports that “no structures are being threatened,” so let’s get to the point of Coachella, which is: what is Rihanna wearing???

Secondly, what are the other celebrities wearing? And thirdly, what are minor celebrities and Instagram stars wearing? The answer to that is: nothing! Functional drapery which covers their bodies in no sexy, decorative, culturally significant, or politically potent way whatsoever! (Save from Beychella, a historic event which did all of those things and of which this post is unworthy.) Maybe they saw last year’s crystal bodysuit and figured it was pointless to compete. And then they left the house like that.

So here’s what celebrities look like when NO ONE CARES.

Pool party in ____ : Calabasas/The Hamptons/The River Nile/Martha’s Vineyard/Nantucket?

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Literally where aside from this carpet are you walking to:

Justin’s at Margaritaville. The Yodelling child looks great.

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More models perpetually enslaved to this default outfit. Hailey Baldwin has a bracelet, but she is...elsewhere. WARNING: this is a dismal scene.

Rebecca Black! I don’t care what she’s wearing, it’s just good to see old friends!

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Kristen’s doing Kristen, which, okay, because she earned those holes.

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Closerrrr......

Ladies!! We made it!

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Erika Jayne does an impression of “dressing down,” and Margie Plus does Margie daywear:

By nightfall, Nicki Minaj took over as the official documentarian, and she captured a precious once-in-a-lifetime sighting of the group pictured: herself, Shania Twain, The Weeknd, French Montana, Quavo, Belly and Nav.

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Timothée Chalamet is in the back of the second photo but she didn’t @ him. Hi Tim!

There is a lot going on here, needless to say:

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The Daily Mail is trying to sell me Paris Jackson’s full-body disguise, and I’ll click on that:

Aaaand now you know!

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