It's an Historic Day for Vaginas

Sometime around the sixth grade, most of those in possession of a pussy become acutely aware of the fact that there are “good” pussies—small, hairless, scentless affairs with only rumored labia that get just wet enough for admittance but not so lubricated as to remind a sex partner that there are glands buried in there somewhere naturally secreting this substance—and there are “bad” pussies, which are, namely all of the rest. I was first introduced to these concepts by my sister’s friends listening to Eazy-E proselytizing the desirability of a scentless pussy around the same time I overheard some boys on a schoolbus dreading the day they would have to hold their noses and perform cunnilingus. And even as we (perhaps) culturally move away from these hangups, that move has heretofore been mostly incremental and won through small gestures like holding hand mirrors between our legs at the waxing salon to assure ourselves the vag is okay and normal and not at all as repulsive as the boys on the schoolbus feared.

Well, thanks to Megan Thee Stallion, Cardi B, and their instant-classic anthem “WAP,” we are now in the new era of the damp girl summer and wet ass pussies are getting their moment to gleam. Here are the best lines extolling the moist virtue of well-lubricated, aroused genitalia all primed for consensual sex.

First, the title line, immediate canon:

“Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy/Give me everything you got for this wet-ass pussy”

An answer to some throwback foolishness:

“Put this pussy right in your face/Swipe your nose like a credit card”

Reclaiming the act of flexing the pussy muscles from the man who literally named a part of the vagina after himself as if people with vaginas didn’t know about Kegels before this asshole stumbled upon them:

“I do a kegel while it’s inside”

A metaphor for the sweetness of the puss, coupled with a reminder that building good credit is, unfortunately, essential in a capitalist economy, not just for oneself but also for one’s future long-term partner. And also an allusion to the fact that if a beard comes out of cunnilingus dry, you didn’t do shit down there but frustrate someone.

“Pussy A1 just like his credit/He got a beard, well, I’m tryna wet it/I let him taste it, now he diabetic”

And finally an additional ode to Annie, who really did put her whole pussy into that organic, convenient pasta: