It Could Be Worse Than These Wild Turkeys 

Because it is Friday afternoon at the end of the summer and nothing is happening except for other people’s very good vacation Instagram stories, I present to you this story about some fuck-ass wild turkeys that need to be stopped at once.

According to the New York Post, these turkeys are terrorizing joggers and mail carriers in Stamford, Connecticut and have frightened residents such that many of them, including the elderly, are afraid to leave their homes. People are feeding the turkeys because that’s what you do when there are wild birds in your neighborhood, and as a result, the turkeys are now very comfortable, and prowl the town, fucking with its residents and making the mail carriers angry.

This is unfortunate for the residents being terrorized, but I’d argue that there are worse birds to be harassed by than a fucking turkey.

Shoebills have people eyes and huge beaks and I hate them. An angry ostrich running full tilt towards a line of kindergartners would be disastrous. Cassowaries look like a wild turkey and an ostrich had a baby that grew up to love fancy hats and they can kill dogs with their claws. I know a herd of wild turkeys shaking their wattles in the face of a bunch of old people is a bad look, but imagine if an extremely angry emu came charging towards you as you were trying to get your mail. That’s scarier than the turkeys, don’t you think?

“We need the community to come together, stop feeding the turkeys, and if they still continue to come around, we need to harass them and push them out and make it uncomfortable for these turkeys to be in our neighborhood,” City Rep. Steve Kolenberg said of the issue. To the residents of Stamford, I wish you the best of luck.