Is Your Vagina Turned Toward Your Partner In Every Picture? Well, It’s Been Tamed.

These days, social media is a minefield for photos of couples. With every scroll there’s yet another shot of some of the dullest heterosexuals you know positioned like a pair of mannequins at a wedding reception or a concert and accompanied by a caption like, “Always an adventure with this guy (girl)!” despite the fact that it was likely anything but an adventure. Frankly, I’m a little too busy tapping through all of it that I tend not to linger that long on the mechanics of these losers’ poses. Unfortunately, someone on the internet is paying an inordinate amount of time prescribing the power dynamics.

The Twitter account known as @alpharivelino—a provocateur known for coining the viral green line test—has introduced a new theory when examining a couple’s photos. It is as follows: If a woman is in love, she’ll turn her pussy (hey, the account’s words) toward her partner. “Her pussy belongs to him. She doesn’t flaunt her pussy by facing it to the world,” @alpharivelino explains.

However, if she’s doing the latter, well, she has an “untamed” pussy. “UNTAMED PUSSY: A woman with an untamed pussy may flaunt her availability by facing her pussy to the world –– even spreading her legs! A woman can be single or “happily married”, it doesn’t matter. The pussy wants what it wants. And what it wants is to be tamed by a dominant man.” Positively Freudian, no?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: What does a tamed and untamed pussy look like, really? Blessedly, the account posted some examples starring random couples interlocked on a farm and inside a Miami Vice-reminiscent mansion. In both photos, the women, pelvis angled inward, beam beside their men. In case anyone wasn’t following, a green X over their nether regions indicates a “tamed pussy,” which is presented as positive.

On the contrary, an “untamed pussy” is demonstrated by photos of generally cool celebrities—one of which just performed while pregnant (!) at the Super Bowl—with a green triangle over their pelvis.

In one, Dua Lipa posts up on the ground—legs tented—as if to say, “Try and tame it, motherfucker.” In another, Jada Pinkett Smith splays out at an award show (no, not that one). “Untamed pussy is not happy. Just look at her face,” the accompanying caption reads. I’m sorry, are we looking at the same photo? This woman is wearing the satisfied smirk of a person who’s empowered to catch a random dick at least 20 years younger and knows their man will still throw hands for them. Perhaps the best example, however, is Jay Z hiding behind Beyoncé as if she’s his mother defending him against a playground bully who stole his football. “Why are you hiding?” the account asks of the rapper. My first guess? Because his wife masterminded one of the best albums in history about his adultery.

Basically, this dullard is attempting to coin cock shame for women…not at all unlike the time he insinuated that men who lean into women are weak, or when he dissected Rihanna’s British Vogue cover and labeled her a “strong, dominant, masculine woman,” as if that were somehow derogatory. Disturbingly, there’s an audience for this kind of ideology. The account boasts over 150,000 followers and has spawned TikToks like this. While some are undoubtedly just intrigued by the unhinged takes, a quick scroll through @alpharivelino’s replies indicates there are people who think spewing noxious sexism is “making points.”

Listen, there are some people that could make me angle my little pelvis toward them for all of eternity, and that short list begins with Oscar Isaac and ends with Cate Blanchett as Lou in Ocean’s 8, specifically. But because most of those folks are married or fictional, I’m just going to go ahead and take this as a sign that it’s time to ink a triangle on my pussy like I wanted to in college.