Do you ever wonder, when you are doing sex with someone, if the position you are in is dangerous? Recently, a site called Likes.com—which cannot be taken seriously under any circumstances—did us the service of informing us about some of these dangerous positions. And they're not particularly obscure ones, like copulating mid-air while dangling from a helicopter. Rather, dangerous sex appears to be comprised of common positions that Normals like us would do without even batting an penis.
For instance, the "Pile Driver":
It looks so gentle, though.
Or that old culinary standby that people stop trying after approximately 2 days of sexing, the "Counter Top":
Or the classic "Woman on Top," which comes with the risk of a woman "thrusting a little too hare [sic]."
The remaining positions are things any old dumbass could get hurt doing, I suppose, if you're a little old or a little overly enthusiastic. For example, "The Pogo Stick," which leads to back strain from bouncing a woman's weight up and down, or "Doggy Style," which "rams her cervix" and is "is often more harmful than hot."
Well, this is all real dumb, but it got me thinking. I asked my go-to women's health practitioner if there really are "dangerous positions." She said, basically, no. "Unlubricated can be dangerous," she wrote. "Unprotected can be very dangerous. Anal then vaginal can be dangerous (for infections)."
"Usually the first three are the main ur doin it wrong issues," she added.
"Basically," I wrote back, "barring, like, swinging from a helicopter, sex positions are probably not dangerous per se."
She responded, "Yeah, I'd have to discourage that, unless you're both safely harnessed. But then where's the fun?"
We agreed neither of us could ever orgasm in a harness, probably only with the Dirty Sanchez. Of course, her answer was only for the female perspective; she said she could not speak to penile injuries, which apparently are a major concern. Men's Health has compiled four of the most dangerous positions, with the caveat that it's not how you're doing it that will get you in trouble, but rather, WHERE. It's the location, not the position, dig? Those are:
The Eager Chef (You guessed it! Kitchen countertop.)
The Over Exuberant Swiss Ball Blitz (Fucking on a bouncing ball. Literally has never come up in my life, maybe because I don't go to the gym.)
Woman on Top (HYPEREXTENDED PENIS SYNDROME)
The Pogo Stick (Sigh.)
Hmm, am now realizing where Likes.com pilfered their list from. TSK TSK.
Gurl.com adds a few options to the list of potential sex muscle-pullers. They are:
This thing I'd Never Try Anyway:
This Thing That is the Best Position Out There, Duh:
This Other Dumb Thing You Would Never Do:
There's more, but one of them involves having a swimming pool and doing it on a raft, which will never happen to 98% of people who are living or have ever lived.
I kept looking, and found plenty of other sites that round up more nonsense "dangerous" sex positions that most people will never try because regular sex works just fine. For instance, College Times warns you against doing lots of things STANDING UP. Like "Standing 69" and "Standing Cowgirl." When was the last time you even needed to have sex standing up? At a party? In college? While standing around a keg? Count me out, universe. If it can't be done lying down, it can't be done well, is my sex motto.
Dating Advice claims there are eight of these puppies to avoid. One of them, is, again, the Swiss Ball Blitz, which I simply do not accept as real. They do win points at least for adding more creatively titled positions to the mix, like "The Butter Churner."
And then, there is this "Pair of Tongs" business. I've probably only seen a bathroom this big twice. And I wouldn't have wanted to have sex in it. Too nice.
In conclusion, none of these are really dangerous except if you've got a penis, and no one needs to look like an idiot to get off, especially when plain old layin' there will get it done.
Illustration by Jim Cooke