Insane GQ Article Makes It Overwhelmingly Clear That Beyoncé Is a Robot
LatestWe here at Jezebel are capable of a little self reflection. We know that we can be over the top with our love of Beyoncé sometimes. How could we not be when she’s the greatest fucking performer to have ever opened her mouth and made noise come out of it? Look, see? We’re doing it again. Like I said, it happens and we recognize that, but we also recognize that all of our fawning, all of are gushing, is nothing — NUH. THING. — compared to the GQ February cover story declaring her Miss Millennium.
You know how we call her Queen Bey sometimes? (It’s cute, right? Tell us how cute we are!) Well, GQ might think that she’s an actual queen. “Beyoncé is ready to receive you now,” begins the article. “…She does not get up — a video camera has already been aimed at her face and turned on —so you greet her as you sit down. You have an agreed-upon window of time. Maybe a little more, if she finds you amusing.” (Is it possible to have Beyoncé performance anxiety before you ever get the opportunity to meet Beyoncé? Because I have it right now.)
While GQ‘s reaction to her is a little ridiculous, it’s not totally outlandish once they describe the world that Beyoncé has created for herself. Not only is she dressed to perfection at all moments of the day, but she also has an on-staff photographer and videographer documenting her from practically the moment she gets up until the moment she goes to bed at night (except for in the bathroom, but that’s only because Beyoncé doesn’t need a bathroom — you know Beyoncé doesn’t poop) and a temperature controlled vault full of every Beyoncé artifact (including the lost members of Destiny’s Child) that you could imagine to have ever existed. Sure, it’s extreme, but only to a simple mortal.
But these are mere details, accessories for the article’s big reveal, which you can draw from the subtext: Beyoncé isn’t human. Beyoncé is a robot. Not only is she a robot, but she’s a highly advanced robot that’s constantly developing and improving until it’s able to take over the world with a shake of a hip and an adorable top knot. Even she admits it:
“I try to perfect myself. I want to grow, and I’m always eager for new information.”
Translation: Beep beep bloop beep, I will own you all.