Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we get our hands on the bibles of gossip: In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, the magazines are pretty light on actual “news,” so they just made some shit up: If Rob and Kristen get married, she might wear glittery sneakers. There’s a “game” called Lohanland, which is like Candyland, but with more hit-and-runs. And in a truly sad act of desperation, there’s a staged photo shoot starring an Angelina Jolie look-alike and a Jennifer Aniston clone, just so we know what it might look like if they actually met up for a glass of wine. Let the lies begin!
Ok!
“Teen Mom Shockers”
In this week’s issue you’ll pay for shocking and get nary a spark! Teen Mom Farrah Abraham has broken up with MTV because the network promised her a spin-off but was busy giving it to Maci and Caitlynn, and like a good ride or die friend, the mag reassures Farrah that at least she has a New York Times best-selling book, and those other bitches ain’t got nothing. Meanwhile, Amber is set to have her own MTV special, “Amber Behind Bars”, to premier October 9th. Teen Moms Leah Messer and Kailyn Lowry are happy in their respective relationships, and Jenelle Evans has broken up with her on-again-who-cares-again boyfriend, Keifer Delp. In the most shocking Teen Mom story, by default, there is a picture of Caitlynn smoking pot out of a bong, but her crackerjack manager has spun it as yet another “teachable moment” of Caitlynn’s life. Moving on! Kim Kardashian feels that Kanye West should have learned from her naked “teachable moment” and not have made a sex tape with an 18-year-old married woman. The mag suggests the only foolproof way to get back in Kim’s good graces is to throw her a million dollar birthday bash, complete with gaudy custom duds and pink diamonds. Yes, diamonds, the sex-tape antidote! KStew feels “somewhat” responsible for the demise of Rupert Sanders’ marriage and is texting him behind RPatz’s back, offering him moral support. But she doesn’t feel bad because she promised Rob that she wouldn’t SPEAK to Rupert anymore, but she never said anything about texting. And finally, a psychic predicts that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will play husband and wife to one another again, Kim and Kanye are in the world’s longest rebound relationship, Brad and Angie are faking it, and Jennifer Aniston will finally get her happily ever after with Justin Theroux.
Grade: F (who cares)
Life & Style
“Rob and Kristen’s Secret Wedding”
When there’s no news to report, why not make up stories, make shameless plugs and fat-shame celebrities in bulk? In this week’s issue, there are impressive imaginative leaps to conclusions after using Kristen’s post-cheating statement, in which she states, “I love him, I love him” as solid proof that she is committed to Rob and ready to wed him. Also, Kristen recently took in a fashion show in Paris, which is in a country that happens to sell wedding dresses. The mag even planned Robsten 2.0’s make-believe wedding, complete with purple flowers and bedazzled sneakers for the bride, but disappointingly no unicorns were involved in this fantasy! (Fig. 1) The valiant and brave Prince William has vowed to protect his princess, even if he has to hire other men to do it for him! The Duke of Delegating has hired bodyguards to protect his wife, Kate Middleton, because he fears that if a photographer is able to take a picture of them from afar, a sniper could just as easily shoot them dead. Good point? In what seems like a shameless plug for their Chicago-based Italian restaurant, Giuliana and Bill Rancic share that they make time for amore with 45 minute dinner dates at RPM. And lastly, because the editors hate us, they’re rubbing it in our faces that our boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, shared a delicious chocolate gelato-topped dessert with Eva Mendes… then we’re eased into a four-page spread featuring Kim Kardashian trying to lose love-weight, and Kourtney Kardashian, Hilary Duff and Jessica Simpson’s plans to lose their baby-weight. Ugh, pass the gelato, please.
Grade: D- (Pinocchio)
In Touch
“A Wedding & A Split”
Emily Maynard and Jef Holm are apparently dunzo after Jef went to speak to fans during an Event in Las Vegas and came back to an angry Emily who was throwing up gang signs — sorry, “making hand gestures” — obviously signaling that their relationship is off. Meanwhile, Bachelorette Ashley Herbert and her fiancé, J.P. Rosenbaum, have broken the Bachelor curse by keeping their romance low-key and living hum-drum lives in New Jersey. Oh, and agreeing to televise their wedding on ABC for between $700k and $1 million. In what is made out to be the biggest deal of all time, the mag reports that Kate Middleton caused a royal upset when she attended a state dinner in the Solomon Islands wearing the traditional garb of the Cook Islands. In an article titled “Anne Marries her Average Joe” the mag congratulates Anne Hatheway on marrying Jewelry designer Adam Shulman (Fig. 2), but then casts some shade on the pair, passive-aggressively indicating that marrying a jewelry designer and moving to Brooklyn is a downgrade from the lifestyle that she is accustomed to. Next, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then according to the mag the fact that half of the Kardashian Klan have refused to participate in their annual Christmas photo shoot points to the breakdown of this famous family. Next is something freaky: Photos of a Jennifer Aniston doppelganger and Angelina Jolie look-alike, having a friendly pow-wow for cameras in an “In Touch exclusive” — although the pix were also featured in sister publication Life & Style (Fig. 3). And, in a piece titled “Why won’t these stars dress their age?” the mag wishes that JLo would put a flowered muumuu on that forty-something-year-old body, Chloe Grace Moretz would slap on some pigtails and Katherine Heigel would stay out of Joan Rivers’ closet.
Grade: D (liar liar pants on fire)