There’s exactly one reason I know about JoJo Siwa and it’s because of this Instagram video. New SNL cast member Chloe Fineman both blessed and cursed my life forever with her impersonation of the teen pop star, and jettisoned me into the dark corner of the pop culture universe inhabited by Siwanatorz (what her fans call themselves and also coincidentally the name of one of the armies of dark angels waiting to decimate humanity at the onslaught of the apocalypse).
This week Siwa has been brought back into my consciousness not to attempt to sell me an asbestos riddled contour pallet, but to mock me in the living room of my third floor walkup by showing off her new nightmare-clown-home-mansion, in which there appears to be enough JoJo Siwa merchandise to bury me alive under, eventually stripping my soul from my body and capturing it in the Master Bow I’m sure she syphons her strength from.
“I’m so excited, I just moved,” she says before catching herself—“My whole family just moved to our brand new house.” A subtle but poignant reminder about who’s calling the shots and signing the checks at Casa de Siwa.
What else she’s yelling outside the house through a mouth full of invisible gumballs is barely discernible, although just before she enters the Siwaplex she does make sure to point out that she’s got “the Beemer parked out front and the Tesla just around the corner” in case anyone was curious.
The first thing you see inside the mansion are about a dozen mannequins sheathed in glass cases wearing JoJo Siwa costumes that I know a bevy of Fire Island gays would love to get their hands on, all surrounding a piano Siwa then proceeds to play something on. Honestly I don’t know what it is but it sounds beautiful even though the piano is apparently broken? Mozart is shaking.
We’re then led into the “fun room” complete with a candy bar because, as JoJo points out shouting directly into the camera, “It’s MY house, we have to have a candy bar” which I have to imagine is not the first nor will it be the last time that exact phrase echoes throughout the hall of her domain (seriously the acoustics are ridiculous in that space, where are the rugs!?).
We then see the “7-Eleven” which truly isn’t that surprising because it’s exactly the kind of thing I’d want in my house were I to be 16 again—however at 29 I’m now painfully aware of the cleaning and upkeep that requires. I guess maintenance of her pizza spinner, nacho cheese machine, and slushy maker is a small price for her family to pay in exchange for the ability to maintain residence in JoJo Land. There’s also a wall of JoJo Juice which I’d love to put on ice with some vodka before a night out just to see what happens.
And that’s just the first three minutes of the 12-minute video. If you’re interested in the rest, I’d highly recommend a glass of the aforementioned JoJo Juice and vodka before proceeding. In the interest of time I’ve bulleted out some other standout things I saw:
- Her mom’s office, which we don’t get a look inside, presumably because her mother is in there scrubbing out the cotton candy machine
- A guest bedroom that’s actually just a K-Mart
- A BIIIIIIIIIIIIG merch room, in which she finds something she’s been looking for for three days that she walks around without ever explaining why there’s a merch room in her house
- A pantry full of bucket sized Cup O Noodles, which really makes me wonder how she sustains herself for those wild concerts only running on processed food
- A drawer full of Color Me Mine plates she painted herself
- “This is a stove, that’s an oven, that’s that, cool.”
- Not her fun room, which is apparently a separate room and not just the whole house
- How her house is “pretty from like here back and funky from there forward”
- Her basketball/volleyball court
- An unidentified man who tries to score a basket from a second story balcony only to miss and, I assume, be sacrificed
- Fruit trees!
- A pool she wants to jump in to find out how deep it is
- Patio furniture the color of Go-Gurt
- Nothing upstairs
The video ends with a brief lesson from Siwa on the perils of land scarcity. “One thing that I actually love about this house” she bellows in the vast expanse of her backyard, “is it has like, an actual yard. Like most houses in California don’t have any outdoor space ‘cause they’re all really close together because there’s a lot of land but everybody wants the land.” Thank you for that explanation JoJo! I’m looking forward to paying a small fee to enter your compound to enjoy some nachos and my 30 minutes of allotted time on green space after the collapse of our ecosystem.