In a Curious Twist, Donald Trump Says He's Sorry

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Perhaps realizing that the constant stream of outlandish, rude and inflammatory drivel that flows from his mouth is not a good look, Donald Trump apologized for some – all, probably? – of his past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.”

The apology came during a rally in Charlotte, North Carolina. Addressing a crowd of his supporters in the face of falling poll numbers and the instatement of Breitbart CEO Steve Bannon, Trump seemed to express contrition for the wide variety of terrible things he’s said over the course of his campaign about Muslims, Mexicans, women and ostensibly Hillary Clinton.


He said:

“Sometimes, in the heat of debate and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing... I have done that, and I regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain. Too much is at stake for us to be consumed with these issues.”

This abrupt about-face is most likely nothing more than a disingenuous move by a savvy businessman doing everything he can to insure that he comes out on top. He’s also been using a teleprompter at appearances in an attempt to reign in the unfiltered bilge he’s been peddling throughout his campaign.

While Trump readies himself to be a new and improved “candidate,” campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson appeared on Fox News and diagnosed Hillary Clinton with dysphasia, a brain disease that Clinton certainly does not have.


His new campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, hopes to focus his speeches on policy in an attempt to appeal to women voters. I mean this sincerely when I say that I wish him good fucking luck.

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