Image: AP Images

I saw a concerning sight at the Prada Spring 2019 show.

Well, I wasn’t at the show, I was just looking at it online, my face pressed up against my screen trying to analyze every detail. I do this for you.

This is what I saw:

SHORTS
Image: AP Images

Those are BERMUDA SHORTS, in what appears to be satin no less, and honestly they’re better left to Gap sales racks circa 2005! Perhaps they might also be a capri. Either way, bad energy. I’m stuffing the sage into my USB port. And if their presence on the Prada runway wasn’t horrifying enough, the show just got increasingly more confusing. For instance, there was also tie-dye.

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Image: AP Images

I have nothing against tie-dye. But this is Pottery Barn Teen bedspread tie-dye, Limited Too tank top tie-dye. I’m not feeling it. There’s also a matching handbag here that I’m too exhausted to include. Frankly, I don’t know if you can handle it.

What’s more, there were also these shoes. I don’t know what they are.

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They look like what the Power Rangers might wear if they decided to take a day at the beach. But even then, are they sandals? Flip flops (*lowers sunglasses and squints to see if there’s a toe divider*)? Sock...shoes?

I was also similarly distressed by this sweater I saw, again via New York Times fashion critic Vanessa Friedman’s Twitter account, which included some controversial cut-outs.

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Oh mon dieu. No thanks. My elbows are cold enough.

Listen. I love Miuccia Prada. Big fan. But is it rude of me to ask if...she is...trying to kill us?

You might say: Hazel, this is high fashion. You can not afford this even if you wanted to wear it. And to that I would respond: This shit is eventually going to trickle down to your local Forever 21 and I’m really not looking forward to stores filled with sweaters with elbow holes and bermuda shorts!

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Je téléphone à la police!