I just moved in to my own apartment and I don’t have blinds yet. That shit is innocuous in the daytime, vaguely terrifying at night. Last night, it was persistently terrifying, as I spent two hours reading scary stories submissions from readers who have seen more freaky shit in their lifetimes than I have saw in my entire teenage experience going to Spencer’s. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to fall asleep again. I began to scroll through Twitter and, like an angel sent from the heavens to aid my sorry ass into a tranquil slumber, a video of Cardi B appeared before me. Specifically, the video purported to be Cardi B doing ASMR. I clicked on it, and discovered yes, it was Cardi B doing ASMR, and it was 13 minutes long.

Reader, it worked. Not only did I eventually fall asleep, I learned that Cardi B is excellent at doing ASMR, likely in no small part because she watches ASMR videos every night as part of her bedtime routine. “My husband thinks it’s very strange and weird,” she says at one point. I don’t! I think she saved my butt from a slenderman appearing at the end of my bed, and I thank her for her nightly ritual.

Cardi’s professionalism came through on her ASMR voyage, which she taped for W Magazine; she tread softly and never rushed, speaking in low tones and running her long nails over the mic to create pleasant shush-ing noises. But even as she followed the rules of ASMR to a T (from my limited understanding of what those rules are, anyway), Cardi doesn’t let you forget she’s Cardi. She did an ASMR video that’s all her TALKING about HER CAREER. Could you do that? If you ever try to, Cardi should be your model, as she does it with zero shame:

When “Bodak Yellow” came out, I was wondering if this is going to be my first hit? And it was. It changed my life forever. But I was also scared because the song was so big. I didn’t know if the next record was going to follow up. I didn’t want it to be a one-hit wonder. But I did very successful features following the record like “No Limit” (Limit, Limit...), “Motorsport,” and “Finesse.” And then I did “Bartier Cardi,” which wasn’t as big as “Bodak Yellow” but it went platinum a couple of times, times, times...

Yes, Cardi B does her own echoes when she does ASMR videos that describe the incredible trajectory of her career. Would you expect anything less? I enjoyed listening to a woman regale me with tales of how she thought maybe she wasn’t going to do that shit, but then she did that shit, as much as I enjoyed the soothing tones of her expertly-trained and slow whisper. No ghosts hurt me last night, and maybe they never will. Just to be sure, I’ll keep this on tomorrow night, too.

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