If You Want to Stay Sane, Don't Let the Internet Know You're Getting Married

Unlike Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner, the internet does not have your back when it comes to your big day. Tell the internet your secrets, and it will spill them the second any of those people you hated in high school come near your Facebook page, and it’ll whisper to your groom’s Netflix account that you recently spent three consecutive days watching Say Yes to the Dress while you ate baked nacho swirls — remember posting those to your “wedding reception snacks to try” page? Well, it doesn’t matter — because Pinterest does.

Business Insider‘s Jessica Liebman recently got engaged. She wasn’t a Facebook super user — she didn’t even have any hobbies listed — but she did want to share the good news with her family and friends. She changed her status on Facebook, and everything about her Facebook experience changed. She was bombarded with wedding pages to “like” and ads, ads, and more ads!

She writes:

The funny thing is, I don’t remember seeing any sponsored posts on my feed before changing my status. (That’s likely because I hadn’t narrowed anything down in terms of interests or hobbies.)

It would be so nice to have an un-clogged feed again.

I’ve debated removing my “Engaged” status.

But, I worry doing that might confuse my network of friends.

Alas, life’s tough choices…

Yeah, that is a pickle. Either risk having to explain to your friends that you’re still really happy and engaged — you swear! — or continue with the 24/7 bombardment of hellish wedding enthusiasm.

Kelly Faircloth at BetaBeat takes it one step further, showing the ways in which your engagement can change your whole social media experience. Pinterest, Etsy, and even Netflix are all working together to turn you into a bridezilla beast.

In the meantime, there’s years worth of wedding shows you can mainline on Netflix. Possibly centuries. Say Yes to the Dress, Wedded to Perfection, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, Whose Wedding Is It Anyway, Say Yes to the Dress: Randy Knows Best. (Oh and of course now people can see what you’re watching on Netflix, so yeah, your groom-to-be is going to know about this new addiction.)

Et tu, Netflix? Et tu?

Honestly, there are probably some people who enjoy this — the women who live to plan their wedding might be mainlining Pinterest “flower girl headbands” idea boards like Miley Cyrus at Senor Frog’s percocet and pancakes breakfast buffet — but it sucks that for most of us, our secret wedding obsessions are so public.

Like many women, I dream about my wedding. It’s not the MAIN thing I dream about — that would be having sexual relations with a chocolate bar, JK it’s actually my dad yelling at me about how I’ve failed him — but it does enter into the fantasy equation sometimes. Do I want a big party with all my friends, or do I want a small ceremony overlooking the ocean in Mendocino? I don’t know — but one thing I do know is that I don’t want my friends and family and future husband (he’s out there!) knowing that I liked 52 potential flower girl headbands today.

So, what’s the solution? Dealing with the annoyance and possible mortification through your final dance? Or keeping your nuptials mum on the internet? Or maybe it’s creating fake accounts for all your weirdo wedding ways? Perhaps a combination? Or maybe you’ll just burn your computer and move into a tree trunk? Better get used to making those big decisions, you lucky bride!