If You Hate Your Armpit Hair, You Can Microwave It Off Now

Have you heard of MiraDry, the revolutionary (and now FDA-approved!) way of microwaving your armpits until there’s basically nothing left of them except for withered husks that slightly resemble your soul? It’s happening all over America, and here’s how it works!

According to Racked, the sweat reduction procedure has been performed over 40,000 times, is safe for your body and doesn’t actually involve anyone standing in front of a microwave oven and blasting their underarms while nuking a Hungry Man tray. Instead, MiraDry simply burns off those pesky sweat glands under your arms. (Don’t worry, you have more elsewhere to keep you going.)

Here’s a video that calmly explains the procedure while leaving out the part about “destroying sweat glands” until the very end, when most viewers will have probably clicked out due to the jargon used throughout.

The MiraDry procedure, unlike traditional surgery, is neither invasive nor dependent on the collapsing of one’s lung in order to see the surgical area better. And patients claim that the results aren’t just wonderful, they’re life-changing.

While the procedure’s been around for a while (I’ve been considering it for at least two years), it’s finally reaching the mainstream due to its growing popularity and its seal of approval from the FDA. Under the name miraSmooth, the procedure has now been cleared by the FDA to remove underarm hair and help with underarm odor. Why use miraSmooth instead of lasers? Elle reports that the microwaves are “color-blind,” allowing for the removal of all hair, not just the darkest and coarsest.

Referred to as a “one-stop-shop,” the procedure only takes about 60 minutes (follow-ups may be necessary) and patients allegedly see results as soon as the swelling goes down and the “tolerable” pain desists. (Until then, however, patients can keep their pits cool by sticking ice packs under them and hoping for the best. And, as one person points out, however, sometimes over the counter medication is not enough for the pain and it’s possible that your underarms will swell to “massive proportions” which “need their own zip code.”)

For those not ready for surgery and MiraDry, never forget: there’s also some kind of internal ultrasound method that Ramona Singer swears by, Botox, prescription deodorants, and a product that eliminates underarm sweat by sticking to your skin and functioning like a pad. (??)