If the Bachelorette Can't Make It to the Bachelorette Party, That's Her Prob

Screengrab via Alexis Waters on Instagram.
Screengrab via Alexis Waters on Instagram.

From the hollow pageant of relationships that is the Bachelor, we find answers to questions we’ve been asking about bachelorette parties. Who are they for? Where do these rituals of penis straws come from and what purpose do they fulfill in officiating womanhood? Does anybody really enjoy them?


Like “Garfield Without Garfield,” this Us Weekly photo gallery ‘Bachelor’ Stars Celebrate Rachel Lindsay’s Engagement Without Her After She Misses Her Flight! strips the bachelorette party to its essence: a photo shoot. If that bitch can’t make it, too bad, because we flew to the DR for this.

The gallery must include:

  • one photo of everyone jumping in the air at once
  • one image of everybody partially clothed, huddled and clinging together
  • one image of day drinking
  • independent photo opportunities for individual Instagrams
  • one drunk tweet
  • one comment from friend about how happy the bachelorette is

“She’s creepily happy,” Alexis Waters tells Us Weekly. “Every time I hang out with her she’s talking about him 24/7 … She’s in love.”


If you’re not feeling the wedding, skip.


Ashley Graham has posted a new Sports Illustrated photo on Instagram in which she looks thinner, and in a surprise to no one, she’s getting a million comments about her weight. “Her initial message was be who you are and be happy in your skin, she conformed which obviously means she wasn’t happy in her skin,” one commenter writes. Another says she’s not trying to be someone else; now she’s just a “strong and fit size 14.”


Why is Stefano Gabana face timing topless with his mom?

  • Kate Beckinsale’s stalker, a man who has allegedly followed her around the country, touched her back, and threatened to stab her, was arrested at Comic Con. [TMZ]
  • Dr. Luke’s legal team has subpoenaed Lady Gaga to testify in his defamation suit against Kesha. Lady Gaga has been a Kesha supporter, and according to TMZ, Dr. Luke’s team is having their texts entered into evidence. [Us Weekly]
  • Check out Macaulay Culkin. [PageSix]

Staff reporter, Gizmodo. wkimball @ gizmodo


Mortal Dictata

I’d love it if while they all stood around for hours with a crew trying to get the “perfect” pictures the “Bachelorette” was just sitting at home in baggy clothing, watching trashy films, and eating junk food thereby having a much better time by default.