If Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga Need a Third in Their Exorcism Relationship, I'm Down

Illustration for article titled If Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga Need a Third in Their Exorcism Relationship, I'm Down
Image: Kevin Winter (Getty Images)

I have not seen a Conjuring movie since the first one, but the franchise is, I believe, about a hot couple based on a real-life couple that goes around saving people from evil spirits and/or demons. So, in short, as Jezebel’s resident creepy person: my dream throuple, professionally speaking.

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And even off-screen, Farmiga and Wilson assured Uproxx writer Mike Ryan in a conversation about a new Conjuring installment, that they’re not only friends off-screen. They, like the characters they play in the films, are deeply committed to saving the world from demons that cause kidnappings and the likes of Joel Osteen.

From what was a truly perfect interview:

Do you believe in spiritual warfare?

Vera Farmiga: Mike, I look at the news today, and I’m feeling like there is negative mysticism at play. I look at everything that comes in, on my little notifications I get, where it’s a kidnapping. There’s so much negativity. It makes me wonder, it makes me wonder. Something, the synergy, these negative forces seem really real at the moment. Whether I believe it or not, I don’t know.

You went with “kidnapping” over the pandemic, or the attempted coup. There’s a lot to choose from.

Vera Farmiga: No, that’s the last thing that I just received.

Oh, I see.

Vera Farmiga: Where the little girl is at her school bus stop in a rural area. And she’s kidnapped by a very large man. And she fought her way out of his claws.

Is she okay?

Patrick Wilson: She saved her own life. Yeah.

Vera Farmiga: She saved her own life, so I’m like, show the kids, show that this is real. Show that there are evil, evil people out there, doing evil things. So, Mike, that’s just one of the bazillion things that I noted today. What is going on? Why is going on? Anyway, we digress. I’m so glad that you loved watching us do this.

Patrick Wilson on the “prosperity gospel” of Joel Osteen and the honest work of exorcising demons:

Patrick Wilson: By the way, also, because we really kind of don’t dig into, “Oh, come on. Do you really believe what they did?” And the reality is, I mean, man, I was looking at some video of Joel Osteen, peddling his book. Right?

Sure, yeah.

Patrick Wilson: And you look at the house that dude lives in, and the private jets, and all this just excessive money? Wow, how do you justify a that wrapped around Jesus’s teachings? Right? How do you wrap your head around that? And so, then I think of Ed and Lorraine Warren, and it just pales in comparison. How do you question these people that really, as far as financially, certainly lived a very humble life, their entire lives? I mean, same house, we’ve been to it. So there’s not really any great mystery of like, “Ha ha, we got these people that give us tons of money.” That didn’t happen. That didn’t happen.

There is also the story of Vera Farmiga exorcising a pacifier from her son by throwing it into the ocean off the coast of South Africa and Wilson, the environmentalist, vowing to return to South Africa to retrieve it. There was more talk of demon possession. There was an interviewer insisting that he does not believe in demon possession.

And to that last bit, let me assure you Mr. Wilson and Ms. Farmiga, you’ll get none of that from me. I am willing to go full gonzo journalism and perform an exorcism or journey to South Africa to retrieve a binky from the sea. Anything both for the story and, obviously, for the spiritual health of our planet and, as Vera pointed out in the interview, “beyond.”

DISCUSSION

AcidMartini
Eyeball In My AcidMartini

These idiots function as PR for the fucking Warrens, who at best were delusional, but were most likely mildly self-deluded frauds and snake-oil sellers, who also dabbled in shitty Catholic fundamentalism. Fuck them, and fuck these films. Do not, however, fuck them for real.