If Kim Kardashian Is Orthodox, What Will Happen to Her Pumpkin Collection?

Last week on a trip to Armenia that, for some reason, involved meeting president Armen Sarkissian, Kim Kardashian-West and three of her children were baptized at Mother See of Holy Etchmiadzin, the “Vatican” of the Armenian Church. Her eldest, North, was also there but didn’t require holy water since she was previously baptized in Jerusalem. All of this came on the heels of Kanye West announcing that he’s been “saved” by Jesus Christ. Hallelujah.

The photos of the ceremony that Kardashian posted on her Instagram were very “Mary Mother of Jesus-meets-a clothing campaign.” I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim isn’t currently working on a line of modest, slate-colored headwear. I would also probably buy that.

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As someone who was baptized in a lake in upstate New York, I think it’s great the Kardashian-Wests are going balls-to-the-wall to give their kids the most luxurious religious experience possible. But this all raises a very important ethical question: What about Halloween, Kim?

Orthodox Christians generally don’t celebrate Halloween because of the roots it has in pre-Christian pagan practices revolving around the harvest. (Possibly also the devil, depending on who you ask.) But since becoming a mother, Kim has dressed her family in gorgeous, elaborate family Halloween costumes each year. Her home is already decorated with these very strange green pumpkins to ring in the holiday. I mean, how is anyone supposed to get through this month without the assured anticipation of a Kim Kardashian costume photoshoot? The world needs its sexy Princess Jasmine.

While Kim hasn’t confirmed which holidays she’ll be ditching, if any, in favor of religious adherence, we can at least assume that any related costumes she might consider won’t be too damning to Kanye’s soul. May I suggest non-sexy nun?

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I hope that if she’s skipping the festivities this year that those pumpkins will be responsibly composted, at least. Or made into green pies in the shape of the letter “K.” Kris Jenner should hire me.

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Shannon Melero

Spurned blogger. Out for vengeance.