I may not know much about baseball, but I do know one thing: If I were presented with, say, the World Series Champion Washington Nationals baseball team on a silver platter wearing nothing but the little cups they use to protect their dicks, I would work my way through that team like a bulldozer clearing old-growth forest to make way for a housing development.
This is a belief I’ve held strongly for some time, though I understand it is not necessarily popular. Of all the sports men who are thought to be traditionally hot, baseball players rank low on the list, for reasons that I will never quite understand. Basketball players are hot because they, generally, dress well and are very tall, like trees that look good and can dunk. Football players are hot for roughly the same reason, except their girth is not vertical but horizontal; football men are large and in charge, made of muscle and brawn and could, if requested, run their defensive line all the way through my end zone. Hockey players are hot in a way that is similar to baseball players, but they lose points for the fact that I think many of them are missing teeth. Soccer players are hot; swimmers are hot but weird; gymnasts are too short. Those who dabble in snow sports—skiiers, snowboarders, and that one Olympic activity where you shoot a gun, then ski a little—are not that hot but definitely have good weed. But baseball players? Secret hot. Hot if you squint. Think about it.
Baseball’s athleticism feels more subtle than the other sports presented, because there isn’t much action during a baseball game, except when someone hits the ball very far and all the men have to run. “Baseball players have guts,” Jezebel Deputy Editor Alexis Sobel Fitts told me, and technically she’s right. To this point, I’d say that a little jiggle in the middle never hurt anyone. Besides, if you ignore the gut and move right down to the lower region, you’re in for a real treat. Baseball players have the most incredible butts—high, round, too big for most pants—which sit on top of their thicc-ass thighs like a beautiful Thanksgiving turkey or a honey-baked ham. Nice to have a man with some meat on his bones, especially if that meat powers a 95 MPH fastball that fucks it up on the mound and results in a franchise’s first-ever national championship.
Baseball players make a lot of money! Money is bad, but it’s also really good. A baseball player has to get the suit pants for his wedding tailored to accommodate dat ass and maybe still engages in spitting tobacco, but that is no matter. Ignore their hair choices, which are often troublesome, and please disregard the facial hair, which can range from “that works” to “Babe....” Baseball players are hot and irrefutably, I would.