I Volunteer as Tribute to Help Lindsay Lohan Finish Our Future Bestseller

Illustration for article titled I Volunteer as Tribute to Help Lindsay Lohan Finish Our Future Bestseller
Image: James Gourley (Getty Images)

Yesterday, Page Six reported that publishing house HarperCollins is suing Lindsay Lohan to the tune of $400,000 for failing to write a book they paid her $365,000 to write way back in 2014. Some may say that giving Lindsay Lohan any amount of money to do anything after 2006 had about the same odds of return as closing one’s eyes and betting that money on a roulette table.


But I believe this assertion to be cynical.

Lindsay Lohan could absolutely finish adapting her 2013 diary into a memoir if she had someone to sit beside her, read the diary, and write the memoir for her. I believe I am that person. Not only do I have multiple degrees in fiction writing that I am not currently using, but those degrees have also granted me extensive training in the passive art of luridly imagining sordid details in the lives of characters more interesting than myself. Plus, for 10 years it was my job as an English instructor to sit near 60-120 often incredibly privileged college students for an entire semester and demand that they write things they didn’t want to write on strictly enforced deadlines. Imagine if it were just one incredibly privileged person, and I was doing all the writing!


HarperCollins and/or Lindsay, I’m sure you are reading this, so allow me to appeal directly: In lieu of monetary compensation, all I would require is full access to the diary, some access to Lindsay Lohan, and the lack of an NDA so that I could turn my experiences assisting Lindsay in her adaptation into my own Adaptation-style adaptation that I would first publish as a fictionalized memoir then further adapt into a Netflix series. Additionally, my contract would also include a stipulation that I must be granted a full recounting of the night of the 2007 knife photos featuring Vanessa Minnillo and must be allowed no fewer than 14 follow-up questions. This is non-negotiable. And finally, Lohan must dance with me for one full rendition of her 2004 song Rumors. Choice of song is negotiable.

I shall eagerly await a no doubt forthcoming call to open further discussion.

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Yoda’s Neglected Brother

Idea time:

So you write Lohan’s diary yourself. As a blackbelt in fiction writing, this should pose you no problem. Write yourself in there to make this more believable. You then convince Lohan that she actually wrote it. I think there’s a site where you can book her to hang out with you for like $120 and a case of Coors.

Tell her she gave it to you that one time when yall were really wasted. Say it was that time when she took her top off and passed out in the bushes. Tell her Brad was there; I’m positive she knows at least 5 people named Brad.

Casually mention about her memoir and if she’s working on it. Tell her you’d be happy to help her with it if she wants, no charge. Mention your degrees. Have em framed and tucked under both arms at the time if at all possible. It looks professional; she’ll see you’re the real deal.

You’re in now. You’re now writing a memoir based on a diary you wrote. The finale being that you then write a book about the time you wrote the memoir based on the diary that you wrote. Netflix will knock your door down for this story. Tell em you’ll only do it if you can play yourself, and a shirtless Jason Momoa plays your husband.