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I Really Want This Fashion Nova Bodysuit That Will Only Cover 15 Percent of My Labia

Illustration for article titled I Really Want This Fashion Nova Bodysuit That Will Only Cover 15 Percent of My Labia
Screenshot: FashionNova

Fast fashion empire Fashion Nova has a little something for everyone: The assless chaps aficionados, the corporate Cardi Bs, the vultures looking for iconic designer knock offs (thanks, Kim!), and the average consumer who just want to find trendy plus size jeans on the cheap. Now, they have something just for me: This red pleather bodysuit that will probably give me a labial wedgie.

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Yes, the red Here For Fun Bodysuit (also available in an equally cooch-defying black) may result in a trip to the gynecologist. It may literally have to cling on for dear life upon a single labium majus. But any resulting irritation or yeast infection from this little 95 percent polyester, 5 percent spandex number would be 100 percent worth it, if only to complete the look with this pair of matching red pleather pants:

Illustration for article titled I Really Want This Fashion Nova Bodysuit That Will Only Cover 15 Percent of My Labia
Screenshot: Fashion Nova
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Do I want to put more money in the hands of a fast fashion retailer that brazenly steals from indie designers and is in cahoots with the Kardashians? No. But who needs ethics or a labia when I could look like the Gen Z version of Britney Spears in the “Oops!...I Did It Again” catsuit?

I dare you to talk me out of it. Scratch that, I’m begging you to talk me out of it.

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

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DISCUSSION

The Incinerator

Ok, I’m old. These ultra high cuts were called French cut in the 80s. (I don’t know! I was just there.) I remember very vividly being a tween on the beach with a bunch of older women attempting the same body suit.

Every set of eyes was on the beach like... “Wait, hold on, any second now... that cat is about to jump right out.”

So yeah, the moral of the story is: It doesn’t matter how cute you look in it, everyone is just going to be staring at your crotch and waiting for the wardrobe malfunction. And in this day, they’re all carrying cellphones. Cancel this idea.