I LOVE ALL CAPS AND I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP USING THEM

Illustration for article titled I LOVE ALL CAPS AND I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP USING THEM

THE U.S. NAVY ANNOUNCED TUESDAY THAT THEY WILL NO LONGER TRANSMIT INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS IN ALL-CAPS. LOWERCASE MESSAGES, THEY SAID, "PROVIDE A MORE READABLE FORMAT" AND ARE "HERE TO STAY." LOWERCASE MESSAGES ARE THE FUTURE. ALL-CAPS CAN SUCK IT.

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WELL, FUCK THAT.

I LOVE ALL-CAPS. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEM. ALL-CAPS ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND MY FOOD AND THE DEFAULT TYPEFACE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING HEART.

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ALL-CAPS ARE A VITAL LITERARY TOOL AND HISTORY WILL BEAR ME OUT.

I LOVE THE UNFILTERED, UNAPOLOGETIC PUSHINESS OF ALL-CAPS. I LOVE THE BREAK FROM PROPRIETY. I LOVE THE HONESTY OF IT. I LOVE LETTING LOUD FEELINGS BE LOUD. I LOVE HOW ALL-CAPS HELP ME FILTER OUT PEOPLE WHO PRIORITIZE CONVENTION OVER CONTENT, BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT IMPRESSING THOSE PEOPLE.

OH, ALL CAPS ARE "UNREADABLE"?

CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS?

CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS

WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT READING

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE VISCERALLY SATISFYING THAN SHOUTING A QUESTION IN ALL CAPS AND NOT USING A QUESTION MARK

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IT SAYS

THE QUESTION IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE ANSWER

ALL-CAPS WITH NO PUNCTUATION IS SO MUCH TRUER TO THE WAY THOUGHTS HURTLE OUT OF THE HUMAN BRAIN THAN CAREFULLY MANICURED AND PUNCTUATED SENTENCES COULD EVER BE

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SOMETIMES YOU NEED THAT.

PARTICULARLY IN MOMENTS OF EXCITEMENT AND ANGER AND SURPRISE AND (MY FAVORITE) NEAR-SPEECHLESS INCREDULITY. THOSE THOUGHTS ARE BIG, NOT SMALL, AND ALL-CAPS LETS YOU GRANT THEM THE BIGNESS THAT THEY DESERVE. ALL-CAPS HELPS YOU BREAK THROUGH THE SPEECHLESSNESS. LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING KOOL-AID MAN OF FEELINGS.

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ALL-CAPS EXPAND THE VISUAL REPERTOIRE OF LANGUAGE.

OH, IT'S LIKE I'M SCREAMING WHEN I'M WRITING, AND THAT BOTHERS YOU? WELL SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING.

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GET

REAL

PRIORITIES.

LOVE,

LINDY

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DISCUSSION

kyosuke
Kat Callahan

LINDY. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ ANY US NAVY CORRESPONDENCE IN ALL CAPS? BECAUSE I HAVE. I MEAN IT'S ACTUALLY HILARIOUS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET TRANSMISSIONS FROM THE TFU. THAT'S TASK FORCE UNIFORM, AND YOU GET A MESSAGE FROM THE COMMAND MASTER CHEIF IN CHARGE OF THE TFU SENDING YOU A FORMAL ALL CAPS MESSAGE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO STOP FOR GROCERIES OR GAS UP YOUR CAR WHILE IN CERTAIN UNIFORMS AND HOW YOU SHOULD REALLY BLOUSE THIS OR THAT AND I'M TELLING YOU, LINDY, ALL I CAN IMAGINE IS THAT THE CHEIF IS SCREAMING ABOUT THIS STUFF, ABOUT HOW THE IDEA OF STOPPING FOR GROCERIES WHILE IN A WORKING UNIFORM IS SUCH A HORRIFIC CONCEPT THAT HE NEEDS TO THROW A TANTRUM ABOUT IT.

I HAVE HAD YEARS OF ENJOYMENT FROM IMAGINING THE MOST TRIVIAL OF TRANSMISSIONS HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN RAGING BITCHFESTS.