THE U.S. NAVY ANNOUNCED TUESDAY THAT THEY WILL NO LONGER TRANSMIT INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS IN ALL-CAPS. LOWERCASE MESSAGES, THEY SAID, “PROVIDE A MORE READABLE FORMAT” AND ARE “HERE TO STAY.” LOWERCASE MESSAGES ARE THE FUTURE. ALL-CAPS CAN SUCK IT.
WELL, FUCK THAT.
I LOVE ALL-CAPS. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEM. ALL-CAPS ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND MY FOOD AND THE DEFAULT TYPEFACE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING HEART.
ALL-CAPS ARE A VITAL LITERARY TOOL AND HISTORY WILL BEAR ME OUT.
I LOVE THE UNFILTERED, UNAPOLOGETIC PUSHINESS OF ALL-CAPS. I LOVE THE BREAK FROM PROPRIETY. I LOVE THE HONESTY OF IT. I LOVE LETTING LOUD FEELINGS BE LOUD. I LOVE HOW ALL-CAPS HELP ME FILTER OUT PEOPLE WHO PRIORITIZE CONVENTION OVER CONTENT, BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT IMPRESSING THOSE PEOPLE.
OH, ALL CAPS ARE “UNREADABLE”?
CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS?
CAN YOU REALLY NOT READ THIS
WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT READING
IS THERE ANYTHING MORE VISCERALLY SATISFYING THAN SHOUTING A QUESTION IN ALL CAPS AND NOT USING A QUESTION MARK
IT SAYS
THE QUESTION IS AS IMPORTANT AS THE ANSWER
ALL-CAPS WITH NO PUNCTUATION IS SO MUCH TRUER TO THE WAY THOUGHTS HURTLE OUT OF THE HUMAN BRAIN THAN CAREFULLY MANICURED AND PUNCTUATED SENTENCES COULD EVER BE
SOMETIMES YOU NEED THAT.
PARTICULARLY IN MOMENTS OF EXCITEMENT AND ANGER AND SURPRISE AND (MY FAVORITE) NEAR-SPEECHLESS INCREDULITY. THOSE THOUGHTS ARE BIG, NOT SMALL, AND ALL-CAPS LETS YOU GRANT THEM THE BIGNESS THAT THEY DESERVE. ALL-CAPS HELPS YOU BREAK THROUGH THE SPEECHLESSNESS. LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING KOOL-AID MAN OF FEELINGS.
ALL-CAPS EXPAND THE VISUAL REPERTOIRE OF LANGUAGE.
OH, IT’S LIKE I’M SCREAMING WHEN I’M WRITING, AND THAT BOTHERS YOU? WELL SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING.
GET
REAL
PRIORITIES.
LOVE,
LINDY
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
