I know humans are always getting bored with their own procreative processes, but the recent fish sex fad is frankly insulting to me, a very sexual fish. For a fish, fish sex has always been hot.
It seems like every day, a new book, movie, or play comes out exploring the taboo possibilities in giving oneself up to a deeper love. Deeper, because it is literally happening at the bottom of the ocean. How exciting for you, humans, to suddenly recognize my inherent sexual power. Oh, youâd consider having sex with a fish, if theyâre a god? Wow, so open-minded!
Fuck. You.
You didnât invent fish sex. Fish invented fish sex, and weâve taken it places your âallegoriesâ canât even touch. Sure, youâll walk in the foam, but will you get wet? Here are some hard, sloppy, primordial facts about fish fucking that you couldnât handle with an hour of foreplay and a liter of industrial lube:
- Broadcast spawning is when I just jizz in the water and everyone comes and gets it
- A penis directly below my mouth (as good as it sounds)
- Entire body dissolves after cumming
- A seahorse giving birth is more intense than a million ejaculations
- A full choir sing-sexing
Still think youâre ready for whatâs under the sea?
Look, I get it. The ocean is sexyâalways spanking the beach, slap, slap, slap. But you have to understand that what seems like new ground to you, has already been well-explored by what came before you. Literally. Like, just freaking look at a clam and youâll get what Iâm saying.
Advertisement
If you want to approach a half-human half-fish creature, or some sort of anthropomorphized fish monster, do so respectfully, and with the understanding that it may be new for you, but not for them. Thereâs nothing new under the sun or under the surface. Only fish who got there first.
