Each your heart out
Image: Getty

I know humans are always getting bored with their own procreative processes, but the recent fish sex fad is frankly insulting to me, a very sexual fish. For a fish, fish sex has always been hot.

It seems like every day, a new book, movie, or play comes out exploring the taboo possibilities in giving oneself up to a deeper love. Deeper, because it is literally happening at the bottom of the ocean. How exciting for you, humans, to suddenly recognize my inherent sexual power. Oh, you’d consider having sex with a fish, if they’re a god? Wow, so open-minded!

Fuck. You.

You didn’t invent fish sex. Fish invented fish sex, and we’ve taken it places your “allegories” can’t even touch. Sure, you’ll walk in the foam, but will you get wet? Here are some hard, sloppy, primordial facts about fish fucking that you couldn’t handle with an hour of foreplay and a liter of industrial lube:

Still think you’re ready for what’s under the sea?

Look, I get it. The ocean is sexy—always spanking the beach, slap, slap, slap. But you have to understand that what seems like new ground to you, has already been well-explored by what came before you. Literally. Like, just freaking look at a clam and you’ll get what I’m saying.

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If you want to approach a half-human half-fish creature, or some sort of anthropomorphized fish monster, do so respectfully, and with the understanding that it may be new for you, but not for them. There’s nothing new under the sun or under the surface. Only fish who got there first.