I Hate These Goddamn Tops

By Kara Brown  |  March 14, 2017 | 7:15pm
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It’s that time of the year again where I’m getting a taste of the summer months to come. More specifically, this weekend it was 80 degrees in Los Angeles and I was reminded what it’s like to be hot as hell while simply trying to live my life. So I committed myself to immediately purchasing more dresses and rompers to prepare for the new norm of global warming-inspired summers.

As I perused my go-to online shopping destinations—because I am now all but incapable of actually shopping in a store—I noticed a troublesome pattern among their offerings.

These fucking shirts.

All I see are these goddamn off-the-shoulder tops and, perhaps even worse, the the not at all cleverly-named “cold shoulder” tops.

Everywhere I look, BAM. Every time I try to breathe, there they are, taunting me with their shoulder cleavage and lack of a flattering silhouette. They’re just hanging there, taking up valuable space on the literal and virtual racks that could be reserved for articles of clothing women should actually wear.

Do I sound hostile? I am feeling a tad hostile. However, I don’t hate the off-the-shoulder look, but the way it has cornered the market, which is unacceptable and ridiculous. I find this look impractical and difficult to pull off for a number of reasons.

I am of a body type that is more flattered by highlighting my waist. An off-the-shoulder top makes that difficult to do with it’s billowy billowiness. The only real alternative is a bodysuit style which looks uncomfortable and bad.

Then there’s the bra dilemma. Strapless bras were designed by men to keep women uncomfortable and less productive and are all personally sewn by the devil himself. This particularly true during the summer, when the sweat makes them more susceptible to slippage—you won’t catch me in a strapless bra.

I much prefer to go braless, but then, I’d like a bit of support underneath my flowy off-the-shoulder top to keep the sweat from my boobs from dripping down my stomach. (THERE’S LOT’S OF SWEAT DURING THE SUMMER REMEMBER?) The off-the-shoulder top offers no solution to this issue.

Further, how are you supposed to put a jacket on with these things? The sleeves will clearly just ride up over your shoulders, or, in the case of whatever the hell this off-the-shoulder puffy sleeve situation is, the fabric prevents you from being able to get the jacket fully over your arms.

I understand the solution is simply not wearing a jacket, but sometimes it gets chilly at night and even though you didn’t plan to throw on a jacket, maybe you’d like to throw on a jacket!

And don’t even get me started on the lack of mobility of these. What if I need to reach up to hug someone? Or grab a fresh peach from a fresh peach tree? What if I want to dance and throw my arms up in the air like I sort of do actually care? What if I need to wave someone out of the way of impending danger? BOY WOULD I BE IN TROUBLE.

I don’t mind this look as an occasional choice but it is seriously cornering like 55 percent of the summer shirt options and I am perturbed!

Then we have the off-the-shoulder top’s ugly stepsister who is still hanging around for some reason even though her dad divorced your mom and they were only married for two and a half years anyway: the “cold shoulder” sleeve.

I sort of understand the look they’re going for here—it’s romantic and etherial and some shit. Again, I’m not terribly upset at the mere existence of these, but this is all you can find these days. Have you tried to find a nice, comfortable summer dress that doesn’t have these stupid fucking sleeves? GOOD LUCK.

Here we run into another precarious bra situation. Clearly you’re not supposed to wear a bra with most of these, but how come the bodice does not compensate for that? You can’t wear a regular bra because the straps are too thick. It’s like Heidi Klum always has to explain to male Project Runway contestants: the boobies need support.

I am very irritated, my friends. It seems like every time I’m in the mood to really overspend on clothing, I’m faced with a bunch of stupid-ass options and frankly, it’s getting old.

Seriously what the hell is happening? I mean, I know what’s happening because I understand how the fashion industry works, but my god, can’t they do better than this?

Where are the spaghetti strap sundresses with built-in bras? Where are the structured, cotton mid-length dresses in dark colors to hide the sweat? Why aren’t there any nice summer tops that are both breathable and allow me to move my arms around in a sensible matter? Where are the fashionable tank tops made out of sturdy enough fabric to keep my boobs in a stable position?

Shit, can a bitch just get some normal straps this summer? That’s really all I ask.

 
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