I Am in Misery Reading Adam Levine’s Cringey Texts

As the frontman of the band that gave us “She Will Be Loved” and “Sunday Morning”—two of the 2000s’ most well-known love songs—you would think that Adam Levine possesses a certain amount of creative prowess when it comes to flirting and wooing. However, you’d be wrong.

By now, you’ve probably heard about the allegations from Instagram model Sumner Stroh against Maroon 5’s Adam Levine, whom she alleges to have had an affair with, in a bombshell TikTok posted on Monday. Stroh went public with the affair after Adam allegedly DMed her out of the blue to ask if he could name his third child—with literal Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo—after her. Levine has denied the allegations, saying that he “crossed a line” flirting with the IG model but did not have a relationship with her. Since then, more women, including two models and Levine’s former yoga instructor, have come forward sharing messages from the singer that are similar to those Stroh received.

Seeing screenshots of Levine’s actual sexts has added a new layer to your run-of-the-mill celebrity cheating scandal—largely because they are hilariously cringe and leave an astonishing amount to be desired. I’m dumbfounded that women are even responding to these elementary prods at romantic or sexual engagement, given how lackluster they are. In one message he said, “I may need to see the booty,” with a follow-up that simply says “Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.”

In another exchange, Adam cryptically tells a woman, “I’d do anything for it” (the booty, perhaps??), followed by the swirly-eyes emoji. I would not be surprised if the emoticon itself filed a lawsuit against Levine for this heinous act of defamation.

Levine was named People’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2013, and while we can’t deny that he’s nothing to sneeze at, his horrifically basic sexts immediately cancel out any handsomeness one might perceive. I’m forced to believe that Levine’s celebrity and wealth are what have these ladies even acknowledging his pathetically crafted sexts. I’ll admit, I was an English major, so I’ve personally had to lower my standards when it comes to assessing the Instagram DMs of the modern man—but we’re not asking for Shakespearean sonnets here, Adam, just something that doesn’t seem like your cat helped you type it. Not only will the recipients of these DMs not be loved, she will not be titillated, either.

For your pleasure (sexual and otherwise), I have compiled a non-exhaustive list of things that have more sex appeal than Adam Levine’s attempts at sexting:

• The disembodied NYC subway voice that warns us to “stand clear of the closing doors, please”
• Literally every other member of Maroon 5
• PAW Patrol’s Marshall, a firefighting cartoon dog, whose movie features a song by Levine himself, called “Good Mood”
• Mickey Mouse (before you think this is a stretch, I urge you to compare, for a moment, the shrill tenors of his and Adam’s voices)

You’d think that as part of his effort to break the record for Sexting The Most Women Who Are Not Your Wife, Levine would’ve consulted some sort of writer for the job. Adam, if you’re reading this, my DMs are open (for business consultations only!!), but try to add a little pizzazz to your request, won’t you?