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I am Deeply Concerned About Simone Biles's Monstrously Large New Swimming Pool

Illustration for article titled I am Deeply Concerned About Simone Biless Monstrously Large New Swimming Pool
Screenshot: Instagram

Simone Biles, who is a little over four feet tall, is building a pool in the backyard of her new home, a structure that appears to house herself and her very good looking boyfriend. Not the super muscular one, the new one, please keep up.


But I worry about Simone, who is without question the greatest gymnast to ever compete in the sport. Anyone can drown no matter how many gold medals they have.

The pool is just too fucking deep for such a short person! Look at this pool!


Will there be a lifeguard on duty to protect her at all times? Does she have floaties? Are the floaties in fun shapes? Can Simone Manuel give her swimming lessons just in case it’s been a while since she last swam in what I am assuming will be 8-10 feet of water? Will the pool be salt or chlorine? Salt is better for floating and general survival. More importantly, is that going to be a waterfall installment on the left? What if she starts practicing some new sort of aquatic gymnastics and quintuple backflips into the deep end?

We will keep you updated as this alarming and worrisome story unfolds.

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Is Jez really doing a story about “how will the short little black lady swim”??? About the most amazing U.S. amateur female athlete? Yikes.