Hunter Biden Sure Is a Messy Bitch

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Image: Associated Press

Joe Biden’s second son Hunter Biden is in the news again— this time for allegedly fathering a child with a woman from Arkansas while he was still dating the wife of his dead brother. You may also remember Biden popping up in your newsfeed earlier in June, when it was reported that he got married to a woman he had only known for ten days. Now you may be asking yourself, as I asked myself: how can one man accomplish so much? How are there enough hours in a messy bitch’s day? What the fuck, Hunter Biden?


Let’s begin our journey in 2014, when Hunter was booted out of the United States Navy Reserve after failing a drug test and testing positive for cocaine. According to the Wall Street Journal, this was not Hunter’s first “drug-related incident”—he had also “received a second Navy waiver because of a drug-related incident when he was a young man.” Okay, people use drugs. And rich people who use drugs never get in trouble for it. Messy? Barely.

But in 2015, an account in Hunter’s name and associated with his email address was sniffed out by the racist and generally repellent website Breitbart (ugh) as part of the massive hack of Ashley Madison user information, though Hunter denied he had an account with the site. At the time, he was still married to his then-wife Kathleen, with whom he has three children. According to CNN, the account, which was created in 2014, stated he was an “attached male” for whom “anything goes.” It was also revealed that the account was paid for with a credit card in the name of “Robert Biden”—his birth name. (Hunter is his middle name.) Now we’re reaching the messiness.

Hunter and Kathleen formally separated that October, and at the end of 2016, she filed for divorce. In court filings, Kathleen alleged that not only had Hunter slashed support payments to Kathleen—who had been a stay-at-home mom during their marriage—he had blown hundreds of thousands of dollars on strip clubs, drugs, and booze:

Her complaint alleges that Hunter hasn’t sufficiently provided for the family after the couple formally separated in October of 2015. In late 2016, Hunter ordered his office to cut Kathleen’s $17,000-a-month payment to $7,500, according to the complaint. Property records show that the couple owns a six-bedroom home in D.C. that was purchased for nearly $1.6 million in 2006.

Over the course of the separation, Hunter has drained hundreds of thousands of dollars from the couple’s marital assets by “spending extravagantly on his own interests (including drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, strip clubs and gifts for women with whom he has sexual relations), while leaving the family with no funds to pay legitimate bills,” according to a Feb. 23 motion filed by Kathleen. The motion asks the court to stop Hunter from further “dissipation” of the assets.

And while we’re here, let’s share some more details on Hunter’s spending:

Despite multiple streams of income, “the parties’ outstanding debts are shocking and overwhelming,” according to the filing made by Kathleen. These include maxed-out credit card debt, double mortgages on two properties, more than $313,000 in tax debt and three bounced checks to their housekeeper.

Kathleen’s complaint accuses Hunter of depositing more than $122,000 in marital income into his sole bank account while they were separated. He spent all the money in less than two months, according to the lawsuit.

On Feb. 17, the complaint says, Kathleen discovered that Hunter was in possession of a large diamond worth about $80,000, which he later returned.


A large diamond!

Meanwhile, in his own filings, Hunter implied that Kathleen herself had engaged in extramarital affairs, and requested that she supply any and all correspondence “between you and any person that you had a romantic or sexual relationship with other than your husband during the marriage.”



In the midst of all of this, and a few months after he and Kathleen had officially separated—but before their divorce was finalized in April 2017—Hunter had begun dating Hallie Biden, the wife and widow of his brother Beau, who died of brain cancer in May of 2015. They confirmed the relationship in May 2017, and their relationship had the blessing of Joe and Jill Biden. “We are all lucky that Hunter and Hallie found each other as they were putting their lives together again after such sadness. They have mine and Jill’s full and complete support and we are happy for them,” Joe told Page Six.


But at the end of April of this year, we learned that their relationship, too, had ended. It’s unclear why they broke up, but perhaps it had something to do with some of the news that has emerged in the past month—and I’m not even referring to Hunter’s whirlwind wedding to Melissa Cohen, a Los Angeles-based woman originally from South Africa, in mid-May. (Little is known about Melissa—she owns a business called Tribal Worlds that works to “promote indigenous conservation,” according to the Washington Post—but girl, did you not Google your now-husband during any of the 10 days from when you met to when you got hitched?)

And there’s more! Not even two weeks after Hunter’s wedding, Lunden Alexis Roberts, a 28-year-old woman living in Arkansas, filed a paternity and child support lawsuit against Hunter stating in the suit that she and Hunter had been “in a relationship” and that she gave birth to their child in August 2018—a time period when Hunter had been dating his brother’s widow. According to Page Six, the two reportedly met while Roberts was a student at George Washington University.


Roberts “does not want this to be a media spectacle” and “does not want this to affect Joe Biden’s campaign,” Roberts’s attorney Clint Lancaster told the Democrat Gazette. “She just wants this baby to get financial support from the baby’s father. Good luck with that!

Hunter, for his part, has yet to respond to the suit or make any public comment. Nor has his father Joe publicly acknowledged that his son is a supreme fuck-up that may play no small role in derailing his campaign for president—honestly, this probably won’t derail his campaign because we’re not that lucky—but it was certainly notable that when Joe kicked off his campaign in Philadelphia, his wife, daughter, and grandkids were on stage, but Hunter was not.


The longest public statement Hunter has made recently was to Vanity Fair in January of this year, after the publication asked him if he was concerned that his personal life would impact his dad’s presidential run. In it, Hunter addressed his “complicated” divorce and his “equally complicated life”—referring to the tragic death of his mother and sister in a car crash in 1972, and which he and his brother survived—as well as the challenges of living in the public spotlight. His dad, he wrote, taught him to “never run from a struggle” and to “love people and find a way to love yourself.”

“My father has always been proud of me,” Hunter wrote. “And he remains proud of me today.”


What an incredible family.

Know any dirt about some dumb politician’s loser son? Email us.



Look man...

We’ve had, like 79 years of messy back-biting drama in the last 2½ years of Trump.

If it isn’t Biden shooting his mouth off, it’s him shafting working-class Americans with his corporatist credit card cronyism. The last thing I want is another Roger Clinton/Billy Carter type making drama.

No more fucking drama.

I voted for Hillary Clinton because I wanted boring predictable competence. That’s all I want.




And that means no messy drama.