How Your Playboy Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

It's not enough to make the cut to be a Playboy centerfold. Your nipples also have to be the right sort of pointy. Your butt has to have a "better curve." Enter Photoshop. Here, a rare view into the process.

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It's "The Year Of The Rabbit" at Christie's, which has put up for auction an array of Playboy memorabilia. The most interesting are the copies of Playboy centerfolds from the 1990s and early 2000s that are marked up by editors and the art department — and subjected to a panel that grades them with a composite score.

Having made it this far, just about all of the centerfolds scored in the late 80s. But Lauren Hill, the Playmate of the month in February 2001 and seen here, got somewhat harsher commentary: "'OK but nothing special. There is nothing going on in the face + eyes." The scrawls on Hill's photo also found her nipples lacking and suggested her stomach be slimmed.

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Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

The nipples of Angel Lynn Boris, July Playmate of the Month in 1996, were also unacceptably pert, with a circle around her nipple appearing to lead to "soften."

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

The greatest offenses among actual female flesh: Pubic hair stubble, veins, and the model's actual faces, which were frequently marked with the demand to "soften." Stretch marks on breasts were also offensive, as Ulrica Ericsson, November Playmate of the month in 1996, would have learned by seeing hers called out.

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Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

So were nearly invisible stretchmarks on Brande Roderick's butt, which were circled with the annotation, "Kill stretch lines."

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Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

Did you know that breasts can be "too rough"? The Playmate of the month in October 1998 is proof. Also in this photo, our favorite command: "Better curve to butt."

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Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]

It's not that post-production is always terrible — the models likely appreciated that the stray hairs and odd shadows were edited out. ("Kill single hair that touches cigar," is an example of this). But the message is clear: even after a genetic bounty, all-but-certain plastic surgery and dieting, good lighting, a pro-photographer, and dozens of shots, even the fantasy woman is not fantastic enough. Ironically, it's that mentality, and its cookie-cutter sexual sensibility, that's helped make Playboy irrelevant in the years since.

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Here, a few more screengrabs, with comments that are only partially legible. (Bonus: A mostly uncriticized Kelly Wearstler). Did we miss any good ones? Let us know.

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]
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"Kill veins" sounds rather painful.

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]
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Melissa Holliday, you aren't dream girl material until those unsightly abdominal lines disappear.

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]
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Hey look, it's celebrity interior designer Kelly Wearstler, aka September Playmate of the Month, 1993.

Illustration for article titled How Your emPlayboy/em Centerfold Sausage Is Made [NSFW]
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Sorry, Shauna Sand, I'm too distracted by your large pores to look at your boobs.

Year Of The Rabbit [Christies]

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DISCUSSION

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NoNameDame

Ugh, dammit Playboy. Because of you, I can now explain the asshole I briefly hooked up with in college. He was "grossed out" by boob veins, he was shocked by pubic hair (and promptly asked me to shave it, or he wasn't touching it), and confused by tan lines (whoa, you don't tan topless? Or bottomless?). NO douche rocket.