How to Troll the Red Carpet

Word is there’s a very polite, muffled “revolt” of sorts building amongst some Hollywood actresses who are beginning to strain against the waves of starkly gendered banality long-endured by women on the red carpet. Over at Gawker, Hamilton Nolan questioned the prevailing strategy of Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, et. al., concluding that if people hate the red carpet so much, they should not be delicately rolling their eyes at Ryan Seacrest or boycotting the mani-cam; they should simply not walk the red carpet.

Totally valid suggestion. However, were I in the violently strappy shoes of a female celebrity, I like to think that I would stand my fucking ground. These ladies should troll, and troll hard. A suggested script:

Who are you wearing?

Some guy I met last weekend on Craigslist. The softest skin! Don’t tell anyone.

Tell me about that dress!

Well, it’s made from unicorn hide. I know, crazy rare! But really hard to tailor, it turns out. My stylist had to run to the hardware store this morning—you know what they say, “Nothing but the sharp tip of a drywall nail shall pierce the skin of a ‘corn.” Anyway, my torso is slick with blood right now.

Want to try out the mani cam?

I would, but I have a degenerative disease where if I stick my hands in things, I just start shitting and vomiting all over the place—maybe I’ll try, though.

What was your beauty routine today?

It was pretty relaxed. I had sex with about a dozen 18-year-old men straight off the boat from Poland, and then I just stuck my head in the oven for about 30 seconds. And then I got my hair and makeup done.

How are you feeling?

To be honest, Giuliana, I’ve mostly been eating cotton balls and I want to shake your giant head until your eyes fall out.

How do you balance your career and your personal life?

I get an enema twice a week and send my kids to boarding school. Not that hard.