How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Trying to Take a Dump

3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you (how dare she?), simply get her attention by blocking the entire door with your body and yelling, “Hey slut!”

4. When she looks up at you, probably thrilled to be getting some male attention, gesture to your stomach and say, “Hold it in for a second,” and pretend to be holding it in, so she, a human with the intelligence of a puppy, can understand.

If she doesn’t understand (or, perhaps, won’t, because she’s recently heard the term “feminism” and is confused), simply gesture that you want to court her for sex at your spare but frightening apartment that you share with a Craigslist goblin.

In most cases, you won’t have to go to that extreme because girls don’t feel whole unless a man is looking at them, so you’re actually doing her a favor, but some girls have real gastrointestinal disorders and will be hesitant to delay their explosive diarrhea because they are feeling nervous or excited about what is happening.

5. Then, do what we call “Acknowledging the Awkwardness” by quickly noting that you recognize that she’s probably prairie dogging right now, and that the entrance to a public restroom isn’t the sexiest place to pick up a girl, but also that your agenda is more important than hers, and also girls shouldn’t even be pooping outside the home anyway.

What to Say When She Says “What the Fuck Do You Want?”

You: [Smile again in your trademark “I’m not a stalker” way] 🙂 Hey—I know it’s not normal to talk someone who is clearly in digestive distress, but I’ve been staking out this bathroom for four hours waiting for a pretty girl to be vulnerable, and here you are. I’m Rick, what’s your name?

Woman: Fuck off, please.

You: [Add in some humor to get her smiling and create a spark between you] Cool… Nice to meet you “Fuck off, please.”

Woman: [Probably laughing and having a great time. If she hasn’t stripped nude, she will soon.]

Common Mistakes Guys Make When Approaching Women Who Are Trying to Vacate Their Bowels in Peace

1. Giving up too easily

If she senses that you’ll be cool if she tells you to put one “up yours,” she definitely will. If they are scared of you, on the other hand, they’ll do whatever you want.

2. Letting her go into the bathroom alone

Sure, if she has to really drop a deuce (and isn’t lying about it as an excuse to leave the conversation), let her. But you should always follow her into the bathroom and stand either outside the stall or sit in the stall right next to her’s and make charming conversation while she’s doing her business. If you succeed, that’s not the only business she’ll do that day (sex, or at minimum, a quick tug).

3. Being polite

It’s a fact—girls like mean guys.

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Trying to Take a Dump: The Secret

The key to talking to a woman who is trying to take a dump (or pee pee, or give birth, or who is in the midst of a demonic possession) is to have the right attitude and behavior when you approach her.

The right attitude is to be confident and oblivious-seeming, so that if she thinks your come-on is bafflingly invasive, you can default to ignorance. This is a good tactic because if she calls the police, you can say, “It’s all a big misunderstanding, officer,” and be mostly telling the truth. This works 99 percent of the time.

Of course, virtually every woman who is trying in earnest to enter a bathroom is not in the mood to be picked up. However, you can only find that out by starting a conversation and seeing whether or not she shits on your Chacos.

Who knows, she might just be your perfect girl.