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How To Pass A Drug Test

Illustration for article titled How To Pass A Drug Test

Perhaps you've found yourself in a situation where you have to take a drug test. And perhaps you are a marijuana enthusiast or just sporadically partake in the pleasure. This intersection is Not Good, but we have some tips on how marijuana users can pass a urine test, and piss like you're off the pot.

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The problem with employee drug test screening — well, one major problem — is that urine tests can detect marijuana for up to 4-6 weeks. And because they detect nonactive metabolites instead of the psychoactive ingredient in marijuana, urine tests don't actually measure impairment, but rather just call out recreational weed smokers. It's like getting in trouble for getting drunk three Saturdays ago. Typically, large companies will spring drug screening on new hires, giving them very little time prepare and certainly not enough time for any drugs to pass out of their systems naturally.

1.) Don't bother with commercial urine cleansers.
You might see them advertised in High Times or other places around the internet, but there is no real scientific evidence that urine cleansers are effective. They can be pricy (ranging from $20 - $50), mostly because they're preying on people who are freaking out about possibly losing their jobs. But if you read the ingredients, they usually contain herbal diuretics like goldenseal, that can easily be purchased at the drug store for half the cash (and it probably won't even work anyhow). Plus, because most urine cleansers instruct that you chug the drink about an hour before your test, you're really gambling by trusting that your metabolism operates at the same rate as the company's testing group.

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2.) Drink water.
Drink lots and lots and lots of water—gallons of it—from the time you learn about your test up until the big moment. While you can't realistically detoxify your body of all signs of marijuana use in a short period of time, you can temporarily do so, in your urine anyway, by flushing your system. Water is your best bet, best weapon, and best friend when it comes to passing a piss test.

3.) Take Midol.
You can increase your pee flow by taking diuretics. Coffee and cranberry juice can be a little too weak, and you want to stay away from diet pills (which are also diuretics) because there's always a chance that you could actually test positive for some kind of amphetamine. Some folks suggest taking 80 milligrams of the prescription drug Lasix (used to treat high blood pressure), but good luck getting your hands on that. Stick with PMS medication used to treat bloating, like Midol. It's safer and readily available.

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4.) Take a B-complex multivitamin.
Between drinking all the fluids and taking the diuretics, your urine will probably be pretty watered down and almost clear. This can raise suspicions for some lab technicians. B2 or B12 can help to bring back that yellow glow, so take 100 milligrams of a B-complex multivitamin two hours before your test.

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5.) Take aspirin.
Studies indicate that aspirin interferes with EMIT drug screening, masking certain parts of the spectrum that urine testing checks. Take 4 aspirin 4-6 hours before your test.

6.) Timing is everything.
You'll want to give your best (cleanest) sample of urine—time of day and time of stream play into your success with this. You'll want to pee at least twice before your test. (You're first pee of the day tends to be the "dirtiest.") When you're actually conducting catch your urine in the cup midstream.

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Good luck! (And remember: Drugs are illegal.)

Image via Rob Byron/Shutterstock

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DISCUSSION

Alright, let's just be clear here.

To all the lovely people who are (with ham headed regularity, read the comments before you post) crying 'Why don't you just not do drugs, duh?' you are Totally Missing The Point.

Firstly, nobody is denying that drugs can be harmful. Some more than others obviously, but nobody is advocating the use of coke, or meth, or heroin or any of that stuff. Instead, people are owning up to (not even really advocating) the occasional consumption of something that grows from the goddamn ground. Yes, if it's your breakfast, lunch and dinner it's going to cause you some problems. But oh look, here are a list of other natural, growing things that cause harm if consumed to excess: tuna, rabbit, bananas, carrots, tea, oranges, sunflower seeds, and as has been pointed out downthread, fucking WATER.

Secondly, nobody is harming YOU, a commenter behind a screen, by having the odd joint. It's very unlikely that they're harming anyone in their vicinity (who of course have the option to not be around pot smokers if they don't want to) so chiming in with a sanctimonious 'Just don't do drugs' is a little unneccessary since it makes zero difference to your life. I very much doubt that you would go up to anyone in a bar and tell them not to drink, even though alcohol causes tons more abusive and violent behavior for hospitals and the police to deal with, on taxpayer's money.

Which brings me to my last point. This article is here to help perfectly nice, hardworking people get around a system that is unfair, because if an employer can't tell from their performance that they've been high, then private habits should have zero relevance to their employability.