How to Master Manic Pixie Dream Dating in 5 Easy Steps

These days, more and more people are turning to online dating as a way to find love. What a beautiful thing — entire social networks devoted to giving you the opportunity to connect and interact with people of varying interests who you’d never meet in real life! But there is a downside to all this — there are entire social networks devoted to getting you to interact with people of varying interests who you’d never have to meet in real life.

Some websites have gotten hip to human beings’ general aversion to other human beings who are different from them by becoming more niche. There’s JDate for Jewish people, Christian Mingle for Christian people and now there’s LoveFlutter for interesting and quirky people. I know what you’re thinking: Finally. A dating site for me.

Of course, Loveflutter is only really for you if you are A.) interesting and B.) quirky. Maybe you think you’re interesting and quirky, but guess what? Everyone thinks they are interesting and quirky when in fact the majority of us are boring and ordinary. Luckily, Loveflutter makes potential users take a quiz to definitively prove whether they’re actually INTERESTING™ and QUIRKY™ or just deluded fakers.

The quiz includes questions like “How many times was your last tweet retweeted?” and “What kind of shows do you like to watch when you want to relax?” The answers for the second question were A.) documentaries (you are interesting), B.) comedies (you are quirky) or C.) reality tv (you should kill yourself). I took the quiz and scored a 73/100, which means I am incredibly quirky and incredibly interesting, but I am just going to assume that you already know that. (You know what they say: Always assume because it makes and ass out of you and a a quirky and interesting girl out of me!)

Speaking of things that claim to be quirky and interesting and are actually normal and bland, we should probably talk about LoveFlutter itself. This is online dating marketed directly to cool, design-conscious Willamsburg/Silver Lake/Wicker Park types. It offers up “funky badges” and Instagram-like filters because, as we all know, no one’s worth loving if you’re not looking at them through a Walden setting. Finally, Manic Pixie Dream Girls and Manic Pixie Dream boys no longer have to find each other by self-consciously reading Baudelaire on park benches or staging elaborate meet-cutes at the aquarium. They can do it online just like everyone else if — and ONLY IF — they pass LoveFlutter’s Interesting/Quirky test.

But let’s say that you’re a person looking for love and this sort of Interesting/Quirky thing appeals to you, but you worry that you’re not quite there yet in terms of your own Interesting/Quirkiness. There are steps you can take!

Here’s how to become the most Interesting/Quirky person in the world of online dating:

1. A real interesting and quirky person is consistantly wide-eyed, like the more open their eyes are the more magical and wonderful sights they can take in. Before taking the selfie that will appear on your profile, cut off your eyelids. This way your eyes could never possibly be wider.

2. FASHION FASHION FASHION. Quirky and interesting women are always wearing the cutest vintage dresses, especially on first dates. Unfortunately, thrift/vintage store shopping is incredibly time consuming and if there’s one thing that interesting people DON’T have on their hands, it’s time. But did you know that you can find some great vintage outfits by digging up the graves of teenagers who died in the ’40s and 50s? You can!

3. A lot of Manic Pixie Dream Girls ride their bikes everywhere, but there are still times when they have to walk around on their feet like some lamestream weirdo. Do something totally authentic and have your legs replaced by wheels. I saw it on The Jetsons once. It can happen.

4. When asked to name your hobbies, remember be unique and be INTERESTING. Acceptable interesting hobbies include: animal pickling, skin lamps, back hair braiding, watching strangers (while they do it), reading about the Cold War and…that’s it. Those are the only interesting interest.

5. It’s important to remember that “unique” and “interesting” are concepts that are both subjective and flimsy. You could travel the entire world, only watch documentaries, be retweeted hundreds of times and still have a terrible or boring personality. Take celebrities for example — they do interesting things all the time, but once you sit them down, you end up discovering that they’re about as interesting as a coked-up version of your next door neighbor Randy only, unlike Randy, they didn’t get trench foot during the Vietnam war. Besides, is there anything less interesting and quirky than advertising how interesting and quirky you are? I don’t think there is. But that’s just my incredibly interesting and quirky (73/100, bitches!) opinion.