Weather experts have predicted that a potentially historic cold snap will make its way across the East Coast and Ohio Valley this weekend, with temperatures plunging to 30 degrees below average. That is a big disappointment, because I was hoping to have some sex on Valentine’s Day and I don’t like being nude if I’m chilly. I bet you feel the same way.
But we know we don’t have to bend to the whims of nature (because we are humans and we conquered it). So, Jezebel put together a little guide for an evening that will have his nips frozen at attention, and his dick hard.
When I am looking for something to whet my partner’s whistle, I have a few things I keep in mind: brand name (is it sexy?), accessibility (how quickly can I take it off?), and color (pink for women!). For what is sure to be a tit-numbing V-Day, I’d opt for this Airblaster Freedom Suit. It fits all my criteria: It is pink, it unzips from the top, allowing you the freedom to shoot out of it naked like a piece of toast from a toaster, and it’s brand name is literally the most sexual combination of words I’ve ever heard. And $262.46 is a small price to pay for sex (I love sex!).
Choosing the perfect Valentine’s Day meal is tricky, even when one isn’t grappling with gusts of icy air from your frigid mother-in-law, Earth. One good thing is that most cooked food is warm (great!); the downside is that the weather will make you want to gorge on fatty, salty foods that will make you retain heat, and if I know my own biology and psychology, those kinds of foods will not make you more eager to do the deed (ticket for one to Pound Town, please!). They will just make you want to watch a few episodes of a show and go to sleep. The solution? A Hot Salad. Also a sex act I just thought up, a hot salad is perfect for when you are going to be naked (mmm sex, yummy, yummy). Bon Appétit has 15 options for you to choose from. Each one features a different selection of cooked vegetables.
So, you’ve eaten but you’re not ready to spend the rest of the night in a fleshy wrestling match with any number of participants? Lame! (Haha, right?) Not all of us can be as perpetually “on” as I am (it’s a problem!), so I’ve come up with a few wintertime activities that will pass the time until you’re ready to do that P-in-V (or D-in-V, V-on-V, P-in-B, B-in-M, etc.) shuffle. Some options:
- Play a game of strip poker, but instead of stripping, you put on a layer.
- Drink some cocktails. They will make you physically warmer, and mentally prepared for the hours of sex you are going to
have tobe lucky enough to participate in.
- Do a couple’s craft, like making a patchwork quilt. As you make progress, you’ll be more bundled up. For extra points, make it a patchwork coffin and you’ll never have to leave!
Valentine’s Day is a
Hallmark holiday celebration of love and sexuality, and the only night of the year where there is societal pressure to sleep with someone a great opportunity to demonstrate your love physically. If you take any of the above suggestions, please feel free to share your experiences and/or photos in the comments! Happy bonkfest, America, we bet your apartments smell terrible.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via altafulla/Shutterstock.