Usually at Social Minefield we discuss ways to interact with people, but today we’ll be talking about how not to interact — specifically, how to get alone time when you need it. People who are introverted may find that they need regular bouts of solitude to recharge, but everybody needs a breather from company sometimes. Here’s how to achieve that without making your friends mad.
Pre-hermit before parties.
Throwing a party can be a social overload even for the relatively extroverted among us. Meghan Wier, author of Confessions of an Introvert: The Shy Girl’s Guide to Career, Networking and Getting the Most Out of Life, offered me this solution:
At a gathering it can be hard to “take a breather” — but I do a couple things to make these situations work for me. The first is that I make sure that before people even arrive I take 15 minutes (or whatever is needed) and just get a walk or read a book alone. This relieves the pressure during the gathering a little, so there is less of a need to immediately find time alone when people arrive.
This can be good to do before a party at someone else’s house if that type of thing makes you feel a little overstimulated. Same goes for a first date, or any sort of high-stress social encounter. Take a minute to pre-hermit, whether it’s in the park or in your bedroom, and you’ll be calm and refreshed and ready to meet the world.
Errands are your friend.
When I lived in a co-op in college, I loved errands. I always fall smack in the middle between introvert and extrovert when I take online personality tests (and, let’s be real, I take these all the time), and while I love a good party, living in close quarters with thirty-five people could be a little much. This was especially true of work shifts, when you had to be social for hours, sometimes days, at a time. During those I’d always try to get sent off to pick basil, or buy more organic cleanser, or see if I could find the right kind of carpet to glue to the bottoms of the chairs (spoiler: there is no right kind). That way I could disappear and have some time to myself for a bit before I re-entered the beer-drinking, Grateful-Dead-blasting, filling-a-giant-wok-with-three-kinds-of-cabbage fray. Wier offers a similar tip for party hosts:
[D]uring the gathering, it helps to just let a couple people know if you are going to disappear for a few minutes so they don’t get worried. I find that going to “run out for more drinks/ice/chips” is a great excuse … and usually very believable and needed! This give you 20 minutes to drive/ walk away, collect yourself, and helps run that errand too.
I also talked to Anneli Rufus, author of Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto, who says errands can be a great way to take a breather from family events, especially if your family might be offended by an explicit request for solitude. Example: “It’s Thanksgiving, but the supermarket is open and you really really really need to buy some dry ice.”
Put on a happy face.
Or at least a neutral face. Says Rufus,
The way to not seem grouchy or angry is to not LOOK grouchy or angry. I learned this the hard way after my husband — who is also a loner — told me for the thousandth time that scowling creates a terrible impression while a mild smile or even neutral gaze lets one “pass” in almost any situation. So without scowling, make your way through the crowd into a quiet area — the porch, backyard, basement, bedroom, whatever. Your mild expression won’t set off any alarms or make anyone think you’re in a huff. And — parties being what they are — chances are, your absence won’t even be noticed for quite a while.
Somebody scowling by herself at a party is sulking, but somebody just sitting by herself looking serene is lost in thought — and while some “helpful” soul may try to pull you back into the party, at least he or she won’t think you’re pissed off.
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