How to Be the Worst Person at Coachella

So you’re going to Coachella this weekend, next weekend or some hypothetical weekend in the future. (Remember, Coachella is a state of mind so one could potentially go to Coachella any time.) Music festivals, especially when they are as big and trendy as this one, are a tough landscape to navigate etiquette and culture wise, primarily because they tend to attract some of the most terrible and selfish people on the planet. Let’s face it — the millennial coke monsters have won. Coachella is their world now and the best thing you can do while there is try to blend in as best as you can. Here’s how to do it.

Pack all of your jorts.

Don’t own any jorts? Turn all your jeans into jorts. Don’t know what jorts are? Do not tell anyone that you do not know what jorts are.

Treat the locals and concert staff like garbage.

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you operating under the assumption that the workers of the hotel you’re staying at or the kids who are refilling your water bottle to make sure that you don’t pass out after doing all that molly you smuggled through airport security inside you fringed bikini top were people? Haha, foolish noob! They are not people. They are simply props meant to clean up the trash that you litter all over the place (and litter you will) and for you to verbally abuse when you eventually get so drunk that you can’t walk in a straight line. (By the way, you are going to have to drink a lot.)

Remember that no one’s experience matters as much as your experience matters.

There are some diehard fans of bands or musicians who will line up at the stage early to get a good view of the concert. These people will wait patiently, often standing in the sun or rain for hours so that they can see Vampire Weekend or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs up close and personal. Usually, they’ll form polite friendships with one another by sharing water, snacks, weed and conversation. These are the good, kindhearted attendees — the ones who you might not hang out with in the real world, but who you’d never dislike either — and it’s your job fuck up their experience as much as possible. Do this by shoving your way (remember, you are not doing this sober) to the front of the crowd once the band starts to play. Which band am I talking about right now? Doesn’t matter! You’re not here for the music. You’re here for you.

Embrace the PDA.

There are few things more awful than being stuck in a crowd where a sweaty couple is making out flush against you. (Watch out for errant gropes!) The only way to avoid this for sure is to be a part of the couple (or trio, quartet, quintet, etc.) who is doing the making out and the groping with no regard as to how you’re making other people feel. Keep in mind that you will probably be rolling off your ass at this point so this whole not being embarrassed or feeling shame thing will be easier than it’s ever been before.

And word of advice: Plan B is now available over the counter. Take advantage.

That said, do a lot of cocaine and MDMA.

Your fellow concert goers will love you, the medic tent will love you and best of all you will love everyone and everything. If you get caught with drugs on you, display no humility. You are young and rich and nothing, not even the law, can touch you.

Be Vanessa Hudgens.

Wear a Native American headdress.

Not only are you appropriating cultures, but you’re making the concert extra fun for anyone who has to stand behind you. As an alternative way to be infuriating, try watching the concert while perched on someone else’s shoulders.

Follow all these rules? Congratulations! You’re now ready to be the worst person at Coachella!

But in all seriousness, be safe, treat each other nicely, have fun and never stop looking at this photo of Robyn and Danny DeVito.