You know how drinking is bad for you, yet good for you, yet also bad for you? Well, new research confirms that it is good for you until it is bad for you. Confused? Our breakdown will help you drink the exact right amount so you live forever.
You are a loser. You're going to die, and also be lonely.
Binge non-drinking is very dangerous. You're going to die.
Maybe you're taking really intense communion on Sundays? Whatever you're doing, God is smiling on you a little tiny bit. According to new research, your odds of good health at age 70 are 11% greater than those of non-drinkers. Still, you will eventually die.
Are you actually measuring out one-third of a drink per day? How are you even doing that? You're probably kind of weird, but congrats, you've got a 19% increased chance of being a healthy old lady. Still a 100% chance of someday being a dead person though.
No no no no, you're doing it wrong. Saving all your drinking for the weekend (or, say, Tuesdays, because those are your misery days) pretty much wipes out the health benefits. And you know what that means, don't you? I'll give you a hint: death.
You know how sometimes you go out with your friends and have a couple of glasses of wine, and sometimes you don't? That sounds pretty life-prolonging to you, doesn't it? Think again, Deady McDeadpants. This pattern might help you out a little bit, but you're still going to croak.
Yes! This is the perfect amount and frequency of drinking that will cause you to live an eternal life full of joy and fulfillment. Use your power wisely, oh Immortal One.*
You drink too much. You're a lush. A dead one.
Image via Ed Isaacs/Shutterstock.com
* You're drinking ambrosia, right? Oh, you're not? Just normal booze? Yeah, in that case you have a 28% increased risk of good health at age 70. But — do you really need me to say it? — you're going to die.