My cousin Jeb Bush (pronuncia Heb Boosh) is super excited to share his Méxican heritage with the rest of you, particularly on Cinco de Mayo, this important holiday in which non-Méxican Americans recognize their special kinship with México by drinking tequila until they are poisoned after they’ve waited in line for free Biscuit Tacos, the national dish of my motherland.
To convey this to you, the Latino voter, Jebito had cut a bideo in español explaining to everyone how much he looooves México—he met his wife Columba there, while he was on a class trip with his New England prep school!—and also how important Cinco de Mayo is. That is because we are celebrating, in super vague terms that will play well with his base, how México “bravely defended itself against a foreign intervention.” (By the FRENCH, by the way! NICE OMISSION, JEBITO! WOULDN’T WANT TO START ANOTHER WAR AMIRITE!) And non-Méxican Americans are celebrating “the great contributions of the Mexican-American community to our country.”