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¡Hola, Latinos! Jeb Boosh Is Your Amigo This Cinco de Mayo! Vote Heb!

My cousin Jeb Bush (pronuncia Heb Boosh) is super excited to share his Méxican heritage with the rest of you, particularly on Cinco de Mayo, this important holiday in which non-Méxican Americans recognize their special kinship with México by drinking tequila until they are poisoned after they’ve waited in line for free Biscuit Tacos, the national dish of my motherland.

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To convey this to you, the Latino voter, Jebito had cut a bideo in español explaining to everyone how much he looooves México—he met his wife Columba there, while he was on a class trip with his New England prep school!—and also how important Cinco de Mayo is. That is because we are celebrating, in super vague terms that will play well with his base, how México “bravely defended itself against a foreign intervention.” (By the FRENCH, by the way! NICE OMISSION, JEBITO! WOULDN’T WANT TO START ANOTHER WAR AMIRITE!) And non-Méxican Americans are celebrating “the great contributions of the Mexican-American community to our country.”

Respect to cuz, but has Jeb ever been to a Cinco de Mayo celebration? Because if this is when y’all are celebrating our “great contributions” to America, it seems like you guys only love us for our outrageously colored big hats and ability to grow cool facial hair? Is this true y/n?

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Anyway, just in case you were would like to know how this real-life Méxican American is celebrating my heritage on this glorious day:

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Contact the author at julianne@jezebel.com.

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Yeb. It’s Yeb Bush.